Ethical Cruelty, Because You’re Worth It.

According to the Daily Telegraph, a new survey of 2,000 shoppers, carried out by the RSPCA, reveals that 90% of them don’t care what’s in their lunchtime sandwich, although they like to pretend that they car about animals when it comes to buying pork chops.

There are umpteen ways of altering a results of a survey, from skewing the sample – choosing the people who you want to reply – to skewing the questions.  It makes a huge difference asking someone “When you’re in a hurry do you grab the first thing you see to eat?” or asking them “Do you care if the chicken in your sandwich spent it’s entire life up to it’s knees in ammonia sludge and never saw daylight?”

That’s why survey writing used to be thought a skill worth teaching, before things like Survey Monkey (presumed motto: “Use Monkey, get peanuts”) proved to every Accounts Department’s satisfaction that free software was much better than training anyone to do things properly. It’s easy to skew a survey, intentionally or not.

But there’s also a leering subtext in the headline, that an old girlfriend’s Daily Mail- reading father would have loved. He knew, and so did everyone else in the area, which farms had chickens that ran around and which ones didn’t, so when he found boxes of “free range eggs” for sale from a farm which had battery sheds he had all the proof he needed that the whole health-foods idea was a scam. Maybe I’m being sensitive, but I seem to hear echoes of this all over the Telegraph piece. Health foods, it’s all a lot of nonsense, isn’t it?

But as the Telegraph points out, cost comes first. Of course, the idea that everything can always get cheaper and better at the same time is just another of the things that people are completely happy not to think about too much. The fact that this isn’t what happens, that cheaper simply cannot infinitely get cheaper and cheaper forever, without quality suffering in the slightest, doesn’t ever seem to register. As usual, let’s forget it’s the producers, not the supermarkets, who are paying for the two-for-one offers and let’s pretend that all the increased profit Tesco are declaring this year is going to benefit their bloated customers half-lying over their trolleys as they waddle from one discount food offer to the next planning which ready-meal to eat while they watch Masterchef.

To claim someone can anyone be “conscious of animal welfare” when they buy a pork chop but not conscious of it when they buy a sandwich legitimises the kind of consciousness that helped people look the other way when their neighbours disappeared in Warsaw. The kind of consciousness that we still have, when we support the spending cuts because they’re only going to really affect other people.

We don;t like thinking. We don’t like thinking about animal welfare, about our own cruelty, about the food that goes in our mouths or anything except the label. We want the shortcut, the lifestyle, the parade of cheap rubbish to stuff in our mouths or slap on our hair “because we’re worth it” as Cheryl Cole tells us, the UK cultural role model who when she isn’t getting convicted for punching immigrants who had the audacity to try to stop her shoplifting is happy enough to wear the hair extensions other foreign people grew as part of their own career path, somewhere in China. Are they worth it too? Is animal welfare worth it? Does anyone want to think about any of this?

It doesn’t really look like it from here.

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Aldeburgh, Fine Foods & Total Nonsense

I spent what I’d hoped was to be a pleasant day at Aldeburgh yesterday, where there weren’t too many people this early in the season and the weather was just about right. I had fish and chips, like you’re supposed to do and noticed that weird thing that all the chip shops around here have – no matter how much salt and vinegar I put on the chips, I just can’t taste it. I can at home and I can anywhere else, but chip shop chips – maybe they use a special non-salty salt-free salt for health reasons these days. Whatever the reason, I wish they’d stop it and use salt I can taste.

I had a pint of cider at the yacht club, watching the boats I thankfully don’t have and spent about an hour in the bookshop before I decided on a Gunter Grass I hadn’t read and a book about storm cells and weather systems. Because.

But it wasn’t any of that that put me in a bad mood. As I waited in line at the chip shop I looked over at the stall outside the White Hart, where a local deli had put up a marquee and were selling strawberries and according to their blackboard, Suffolk Cheese.

“The envy of the world,” it said, which is news to anyone involved in cheese that I’ve ever met, news to Daniel Defoe, the mutineers at Spithead and just about every customer I’ve ever had. Some Suffolk cheese is at best, alright. Some people, when they’ve stopped calling it cheddar, even think it’s quite tasty. But the envy of the world? Let’s just say that’s hyperbole, or even more charitably, let’s call it personal opinion. Opinions can be flat wrong after all, but that’s mine.

What ticked me off though wasn’t someone’s opinion. Everyone’s entitled to one. What they aren’t entitled to do is misinform customers.

 

They’d listed the “Suffolk” cheeses they sold, including Hawstone, Smoked Dapple, Binham Blue, White Lady and Wissington. Quite a nice little selection really, except for a couple of things. Firstly of course, there’s no such thing as Hawstone because it’s called Hawkstone. Maybe the chalk slipped, or they had their minds on other things when they were doing the board.

Rather more absent-mindedly, they’d forgotten that Norfolk White Lady, as it says on the label on every cheese they make, or Norfolk Smoked Dapple, as it also says on the label on every cheese, isn’t even vaguely from Suffolk. In the same way, not an awful lot of specialist knowledge is needed to find-out where Binham Blue comes from in Norfolk, or where Wissington goat’s cheese comes from. Norfolk again.

This is just one big con. It isn’t a mistake. It’s “let’s fool the tourists.” At best, I get to have to explain to people for the rest of the summer that whatever they’ve been told there’s no such thing as Suffolk White Lady, which gets a trifle tedious, as it was when Snowdonia Cheddar was sold at Newmarket as Suffolk Black.

At worst was what it was: Suffolk cheeses aren’t that great and the kind of people who go for the Aldeburgh Food Experience don’t know much about food anyway.

So I either shut up about it and justify someone else’s nonsense, which I don’t frankly feel inclined to do, or I say that writing-up Norfolk cheese as Suffolk cheese is a con. Unless of course, they just made an honest mistake. Four times in a row.

 

 

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Hightide Festival

28th April – 8th May

 

Still time to catch four plays at the High Tide festy in Halesworth at The Cut.

Nicked by Richard Marsh, 1 – 8th May.

Dusk Rings A Bell by Stephen Belber, 1-8th May.

Incoming by Andrew Motion, 7th and 8th May.

Midnight Your Time by Adam Brace, 7th and 8th May.

This is world class theatre. Don’t be fooled by it being out of London.

 

Find ou more on 0207 566 9780, follow them on Twitter at @_HighTide_

Just go and see some excellent theatre.

 

www.hightide.org.uk

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Sustainable Fishing

If you want to keep eating fish in future then it makes sense to eat fish that will be available tomorrow as well as today.

I looked for a list of sustainable fish for years and I couldn’t find one. It’s easier now, but to save you the effort of looking you can download the definitive list here.

 

Pocket Good Fish Guide 5th May 2011

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Lifestyle Businesses

“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.”

“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”

“The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master – that’s all.”

Dodgson; Through the Looking Glass.

 

I read about a lifestyle business in a local magazine last month. Mr and Mrs 60-plus something, both with their extra 40 pounds of excess weight and their brilliant white pudding-bowl haircuts beamed out at the world from behind their pension fund in their chi-chi little shop. “We love it here,” they probably said. “We first liked the peace and quiet, then we grew to love how it never changes.”

It makes me ill.

Instead of just getting more and more annoyed at a level of smugness that threatens to suffocate whole parishes I looked the phrase up on Wikipedia just now.

Lifestyle businesses are businesses that are set up and run by their founders primarily with the aim of sustaining a particular level of income and no more; or to provide a foundation from which to enjoy a particular lifestyle.

 

In other words they’re pretend businesses. Not real ones. It’s odd to find this proto-Marxism being put into practice by the folk who did so well out of Thatcher’s cult of greed. It was Karl Marx after all, who went on and on about what he called surplus value being a Bad Thing.

The herd of elephants in that particular room was simply this: without any profit you can’t buy any new machinery, from an oil refinery to a bacon slicer and according to Karl Marx, who never went anywhere near a real day’s work outside a library, profit equals exploitation, at least so long as it’s the bourgeoisie who are making it and not the glorious workers.

The practicalities didn’t matter. When the Glorious Workers did manage to seize the means of production the results were often dire when they weren’t laughable. Triumph Motorcycles was run as a workers’s co-operative before its present fairly successful incarnation. When Ted Simon rode around the world on a Triumph the first time back in the 1970s he phoned the factory when he got back, wondering if they’d like to put his bike in their museum or use it for publicity in some way. “No mate,” he got told, “we don’t make that model any more.”

Which is a long way from Mr & Mrs Tweely-Artisan, in their tastefully converted former piggery or battery chicken farm or whatever useless and abandoned farm building caught their eye. You can probably write the article yourself.

Tired of commuting, Simeon took early retirement from teaching and joined Stella who found the piggery during an extended sabbatical from wherever she worked where clearly it didn’t make much difference if she was there or not. With three grown-up children in London they decided to build a new life doing the things they loved. Their start-up business, Mrs Tiggly’s Country Pies was founded on the same scrubbed-oak  table where we ate Stella’s delicious chicken, oat and samphire frangipane. “It’s a recipe I inherited from my grandmother, along with half of Coventry,” beamed our hostess. “I’ve always adored wholesome country foods and we’ve already got it into Tesco now we’ve outsourced the chicken production to Hungary.”

Of course, I’m being unfair. Following that route might actually create some jobs, which is something lifestyle businesses rarely if ever do. Apart from anything, that would change the place and part of the whole ethos is to make sure the village where they’re based always stays the same as it was when the Tweely-Artisans retired.

 

Of course, some change is inevitable. For a start, the attitude of the intractable stick-in-the-muds in the Parish Council had to change, after they made such a fuss about the planning permission after Gideon hired the avant-garde architect their son went to school with to slap a 40-foot sheet of plate glass over the south wall of The Piggery. Loving the Suffolk skies is of course, part of the performance. And getting paid to mount solar panels on the roof hardly comes into it at all.

Fairly close to us we have another, real lifestyle business, or as real as they can ever get. The couple have a few children and open their business pretty much when they feel like it. They employ a few people too, but obviously, only when they’re open. When their children grow up, like most of the village children who can sign their own name if they want a job they’re going to have to move, because lifestyle businesses don’t make enough to hand anything on to anyone else. They’re not supposed to. It’s a playtime world.

There are those who say there’s nothing wrong with that. If the Tweely-Artisans want to play shops or bakers on their comfy pensions, where’s the harm?

So far as that goes, nothing at all. But it doesn’t go, in the sense of going anywhere except the past. And not even into a real past, where each village had businesses that made clothes, barrels and butter and most of whatever else they needed, before the coachworks became an artists’s gallery and the Old Forge sold Georgian ormolu tea caddies. now it only goes while the owners are still there, kidding themselves on that their self-referential lifestyles are more important than anything else and it will all go on forever and ever, because it will.

No-one saw it then, but the same 1980s Thatcherism that directly lead to where we are now and Marx’s equally imaginary Golden Age of the Proletariat were twins separated at birth. Both of them were fantasies, both solely concerned with sustaining themselves at the expense of reason, logic and ultimately millions of people’s lives, from Sheffield to Smolensk. Both belief systems insisted everything else – and pretty much everyone else – simply didn’t matter. Except they did and they do.

Words don’t mean anything Humpty Dumpty wants them to. The Moaning Minnies Margaret Thatcher lambasted only illustrated her fundamental ignorance of the history she enlisted to back her up. Moaning Minnies were not what she claimed, a cosy slang name for people who complained that surely there must be an alternative. Moaning Minnies were World War One artillery shells that shrieked before they impacted and killed people, burying the survivors alive in the mud they thought was going to keep them safe. Today I read an infantryman’s diary from 1944, where he used the exact same phrase to describe a Nebelwurfur attack, when his group were caught out by a surprise German rocket raid in Normandy. Poppy-cock, another favorite Thatcherite catch-phrase that was supposed to illustrate her elegant distain for discord was derived directly from the Dutch, where it means soft dung. Marx complained about the way the working classes got screwed then made his own maid pregnant. And lifestyle businesses only seem to refer to the previous lifestyles that fund them.

It doesn’t matter to the Humpties, Mr & Mrs Tweely-Artisan or rural style magazine editors with five pages to fill. But it certainly matters to the future of the countryside they all claim they want to maintain.

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Tesco Wars

Back in November last year I started a post I titled “Tesco Wars.” It was going to be about the proposal here in East Suffolk for not one but two new Tesco stores to be built in two adjoining towns just four miles apart, Saxmundham and Leiston. I didn’t finish it because after following the story I decided there wasn’t any point. What Tesco wants, Tesco gets. No local council is going to go head-on against Tesco because they can’t afford to, and now Tesco are playing the populist card. We need to build another store, not to kid our shareholders that there really can be such a thing as sustainable growth, year on year on year we’ll sell more, otherwise the share price stagnates or goes down. Nothing to do with that at all. No, we need to build a store in every single town to help people. They shouldn’t pay higher prices. Really, it’s our civic duty. A responsibility, even. What are you, some sort of elitist?

No-one except Tesco even pretends that every small shop locally won’t have to shut. The saddest part of all is most people simply don’t give a damn if they do. They’ll say they “support” the small shops of course, but when it comes to buying anything, real people make sure they load-up their trolleys at a supermarket, pray to the great god Convenience and pretend that a couple of jars of BOGOF two-for-one pasta sauce, a slice of Tesco anchovy and half an hour of Masterchef and gut-rippingly wacky Heston makes them celebrants within a vibrant food culture.

Or so I thought. In Bristol last night, specifically in Stokes Croft, where the average age is probably about 30 years younger than in Suffolk Coastal some people had had enough. One in four people in the postcode there have post-graduate qualifications and a lot of people live in flats. They work, rather than being mainly retired. And when Tesco opened up there last week, they didn’t just protest about it and then shop there while “supporting” the local shops they were happily bankrupting. On the night before Good Friday, the people of Stokes Croft trashed the Tesco store. Big stylee, as the young folk say.

What really happened is moot. The official line from Avon & Somerset constabulary is that it’s a tough job and a thankless one, but while they came under serious attack they showed great restraint and got on with the job. Quite what the job itself was is another matter. Other sources say that 10 police vans from Wales and upwards of 150 police officers were used to arrest four people in a squat opposite Tesco. At nine o’clock on a warm night immediately after people had packed-up for the Bank Holiday.

I’m not a police officer, but I would have thought if the arrests were so serious they needed this kind of mob-handed approach, then just maybe hitting the squat at 5am Sunday morning might have been a more sensible way of getting in and getting out without anyone except the targets being aware of what was going on.

According to the New Statesman, the first big push now the Tesco wars have turned hot came after police moved to break-up a demonstration against Tesco, across the road from the squat they later targetted. Was this simply thinking “While we’re here…?” Was it making efficient use of dispersed resources? A monumental lack of communication between whoever was co-ordinating the police raid on the squat and the officer managing the demonstration policing? Or simply Tesco asking the police to kick the daylights out of the people annoying them and getting a delighted reception.

Just to be clear, I don’t think violence against police officers is acceptable. And I don’t think violence against anyone else is either. I particularly don’t think it’s acceptable that violence against the police has its own special law (Section 89(1) Police Act 1996 ) while Ian Tomlinson can be walking past a demo, get clubbed to the ground, die and there is no suggestion whatsoever from the CPS that the police officer who did this should even be arrested, let alone charged with anything.

This time even more people said the police were the people who started this. Was the riot really about Tesco? Or heavy-handed policing? Or against the cuts? Probably a bit of all of this. Whatever the reasons, it suggests that at least some people aren’t going to keep on rolling over and waiting for their tummies to be tickled each time Tesco and the people who claim to be governing try to steam-roller their own way. Ask any police officer not in riot gear: effective policing is only ever done by consensus. Turning-up mob-handed in the middle of a demo on a hot evening then acting all surprised when things kick-off isn’t the way to build it. As for Tesco, the only consensus they ever seem to be in favour of is their own market share increasing infinitely.

It can’t, but that isn’t going to stop Tesco trying to make it so. As for a food culture, which is what this blog was supposed to be about, I can’t see much evidence of it this Bank Holiday. A lot of talk. Umpteen TV shows, all almost exactly the same. And the supermarket aisles full of people buying ready-meals so they have  more time to watch the cooking shows, at least here in Suffolk. Whether they’re black-balling Tesco in Bristol now I have no idea. At least Tesco are maintaining their ever-popular fiction that where there’s a Tesco, small shops flourish. As Kate Bush used to say, just saying it can even make it happen. And when I am a man I will be an astronaut and find Peter Pan.

 

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Open at Easter

If you’re travelling a long way and want to make sure we’re open, call us on 01728 668520.

We like the sunshine, the Suffolk beaches and just chilling in the garden, watching the chickens. The eight little chicks are getting along very nicely, and the Buff Orpingtons are only wary about stepping on them. So please, if you want to be sure of getting the best cheese on the Suffolk coast, pick up your mobile phone.

Just as an update, our new cafe-deli, or deli-cafe, if you prefer, is open in Yoxford all of Easter.

We’re open Good Friday from 9am.

Saturday 9am onwards.

Sunday – Closed

Easter Monday risen and open again from 9am.

Come and try our new menu – not just the only great coffee for miles, but hot paninii, leek and onion tarts, chicken and ham pie and of course, fresh rolls made to order as well as free range scrambled eggs.

Come and see us at the Post Office, just 300 yards off the A12 on the A1120.

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Second Home Ghost Towns

This week the housing charity Shelter called for the abolition of second-home tax relief. There’s something about the jargon that makes it seem instantly boring, but the topic itself is vitally important. It’s about having your cake and eating it.

The deal is this: if you have a second home, depending where it is you might not have to pay all the council tax on it. In some places you might only have to pay half. Naturally, you’ll want drains in the street and streetlamps and pavements and all the other stuff that has to be paid for when you’re there, but the council tax relief scheme means you don’t have to pay for it all. To some people, that might seem fair. After all, if you’re only in your second home two weeks out of the year then you should only pay for two weeks worth of the street lights and pavements, given you didn’t use them the rest of the time. Which assumes that you can buy a tenth of a lamp-post anywhere, or only lay a fifth of the pavement.

Other people, screaming revolutionaries obviously, might suggest that if you can afford a second home you can afford to pay the council tax on it.

What this has to do with the price of cheese is simple: huge parts of Suffolk have become underfunded wastelands of houses empty most of the year. In this village we’ve recently met people who live here three weeks out of fifty-two.

Our local Conservative MP, Dr Coffey, weighed-in with a comment for the East Anglian Daily Times, saying fairly un-dynamically: “I’m not asking for change but if it happens it would not be something I’d campaign against.”

Which should please most people, or at least, those willing to be pleased by not doing anything to change anything. The snag with that is that the area has changed beyond all recognition, something the second homers who come out with “it’s always been like this, that’s what I love about it” always choose to miss.

 

“What’s important,” continued our MP, “is that we continue to do what we can to build homes and free-up homes that are not being used.”

Whenever Dr Coffey wants to join me on a short bicycle tour of the area I’m ready. We can take a little circular route from here, no more than five miles in any one direction, and we can see six houses that immediately come to mind that have stood empty for the last ten years. Some are stuck in the middle of what’s become nowhere, thinking of the little empty terrace of farm-workers’ cottages out between Halesworth and Walpole. They haven’t always been like that. The abandoned house just north of the A12, on the Sibton road wasn’t built that way. The house that’s stood empt since 2000 at least, on the road to Leiston wasn’t built to stand empty and nor was the pair of houses on the outskirts of Westleton, or the pair of cottages in the middle of Peasenhall, last lived in around 1990, judging by the calendar on the wall of what used to be the kitchen. Those are just the obvious ones I know about. There has been no serious attempt to get any of those “freed-up” and used as houses for people to live in in the last decade.

It could be that Dr Coffey wasn’t talking about abandoned houses at all, and what she meant was that holiday homes that aren’t being used should be given over to house the homeless. It’s not as if we don’t have any homeless, for all the number of new 4x4s around here, the same as Central London does. Maybe she’s taken a walk through the Southwold heart of her constituency, around eight o’clock of a September evening, where you can walk through whole streets where no lights show, no children play, no car doors slam, where there isn’t even the flicker of light from televisions. It’s just one of many streets in Southwold where no-one lives, except now and again for holidays, or if they’re the owners, for a couple of bracing weeks by the sea in winter, when it’s so much better because all those holiday people aren’t here, as the faux-local mantra runs.

In Aldeburgh 561 homes are second homes, 29% of the residences in the town. In Southwold I’ve heard it estimated at 60%. Towns where one in three houses more often than not stand empty are shells of themselves. They cannot possibly sustain schools, roads, careers or anything else for anyone born there, rather than just conceived there on holiday. The ghost towns of empty houses become places where ambition high-tailed it out of the territory and hope hit the trail soon after.

It’s always been like this? How could anyone sane have planned to build a house that stood empty most of the time? Why would anyone plan, build and fund a town where people don’t live? No-one with a life ahead of them could seriously believe that was the plan, but it’s a comfortable fiction for those lucky enough not to need an income here.  So long as they’re comfortable with self-interest, obviously.

Don’t get me wrong. I like second home-owners. They’re what keeps us going, now that there’s no real rural economy you could mention without sniggering. But second homes don’t make sustainable communities. I’d like to live in a community where people born here had opportunities that didn’t mostly involve moving away. It’s a dream of mine, I know. But objecting to the idea of some people paying 100% of their tax while richer people don’t have to isn’t exactly a fantasy about rabid socialism.

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Tesco – News from the Front

Is there going to be a Tesco in Saxmundham? Or Leiston? Or both? Or neither? No-one seems to know. Nor when.

Our local freesheet, the Town Telegraph ran a letter in March from a reader regretting that “there doesn’t seem to be any plan from the Town Council to apply talent to safeguarding their High Street. The risk is Saxmundham will go the same way as my home town where two supermarkets turned the High Street into a parade of third-rate charity shops.”

“I don’t have any problem with Tesco coming to the town; I am very keen on the free market and consumer choice. It is the total lack of forward planning that will cause the devastation of this lovely town. How will it help the tow butcher survive if the predicted new visitors only arrive, park in the Tesco car park, which will be free, shop and leave?”

“It isn’t always a case of lower prices in the supermarket. The Town Council needs to see how the convenience and attractiveness of High Street shopping an be enhanced, otherwise all I see is the slow death of an attractive small town.”

It’s tempting to just pile in and blame Tesco. But Tesco doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Without customers, there’s no Tesco. Small shops aren’t “lost” as we’ve heard it claimed here so often; people stop using them.

The reply from anther reader in the April issue of the Town Telegraph was enlightening in almost completely missing the point. First the original reader was accused of being an incomer, “obviously unaware of the very long history of the efforts that have been made to find a suitable occupant for a derelict site in the flood plain.” Maybe it’s me, but I’d have thought there was an obvious clue in the words “flood plain” that make building anything there a fairly stupid idea.

But there’s more. The original writer was also “obviously unaware of the very poor state of Saxmundham’s High Street in the early 1990s. Saxmundham is officially a socio-economically deprived area with a large number of older residents and low income families. Local traders report that they have lost a large number of local customers to Leiston, Martlesham, Lowestoft and Framlingham.”

This reads like a parable about being careful what you wish for in case you get it. Saxmundham used to be on the main road from Great Yarmouth to London. When the road was improved in the early 1800s the whole town and the surrounding area bloomed. Here in Yoxford, five miles away, on the next crossroads with the main Yarmouth road the same thing happened, which is why almost all the facades and frontages of the houses on the main road in Yoxford date from that time. More money came in, everyone slapped a false front on their old house. But roads bring traffic and traffic brings noise and for years people in Saxmundham asked for a bypass. Eventually they got one. The town declined virtually overnight. With no reason to even know the place was there the holiday makers charged straight past on the bypass.

Let’s pass swiftly over the idea that you can really save money by getting in your car and driving 40 miles to Lowestoft then 40 miles back, claiming you’re poor and can’t afford things with each mile that goes by. Luckily you can also buy your petrol at the supermarket when you get there.

But there’s another aspect of being careful what you wish for. It’s puzzled me for the last twenty years that in two decades when we were told everything was getting better, at the very same time we were told – and continue to be told – that the best quality any food can aspire to is being cheap. From “every little helps” to fat shop-floor workers oh-so-ironically patting their saggy arses in over-stretched jeans in the fabulously post-modern Asda ads, the message has been clear and straightforward: Cheap is good. In fact, cheap isn’t just good. Cheap is best.

Two-for-one deals have been replaced by BOGOF deals, Buy One Get One Free. And let’s pretend it’s just a coincidence that the acronym is so close to saying Bog Off to the customers. The message couldn’t be more clear.

It’s not as if the savings benefit the customers themsleves, in any but the most superficial way. At the same time that the supermarkets have been promoting the idea that cheap food is best food, they’ve been increasing the floorspace for mobile phones, DVD players, clothes, pharmacy and anything else but food. So don’t kid yourself. You’re not going to keep that money you saved on food in your pocket. You can use it – you will use it – to buy a new TV to watch more adverts about how great cheap food is.

And is it? Is it also a coincidence that so many people are now obese? Of course it isn’t. The entire message is too much is better for you. You shouldn’t have to pay much for food, not because too much will make you fat, certainly not because you haven’t got that much money to start with, not because it’s better kept against a rainy day, but because everyone knows you’re going to spend that much and more on more stuff you don’t need. Already a third of the vegetables bought in supermarkets are thrown away. That was some saving, wasn’t it? How many perfectly good TV sets have been thrown away because flat screens are so cheap now? Does anyone need a flat screen? Does anyone really, truly suffer when they can’t count the individual hairs in Wayne Rooney’s stubble?

The convenience in convenience shopping isn’t for you, the customer. The convenience is getting all the mobile consumer units obediently in line to hand over their money. And actually, it’s not really all the supermarkets’ fault.

Way back when my idea of a slick date was going halves on the tickets to see Wall Street I remember hearing Gordon Gecko saying “Greed is good.” It wasn’t an ironic message. We thought it meant the future was going to be about better things. We thought at last, someone is saying it’s ok. We didn’t see that we’d fundamentally confused “more” with “better.” As so often in England, we saw the quality option. And we ran screaming for Tesco.

Have I got the answers? Not all of them, but you don’t have to be an economist to know you can’t cure rural poverty with more pound shops.

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Free Cheese Competition

What’s In A Name?

When we travelled around markets, shows and fairs we were known as the Sole Bay Cheese Company. Sole Bay was and is the area where we operated, bringing cheese to the cheeseless and the rest of the name is obvious.

But we do a bit more than cheese now. Our internet cafe, for instance. The best coffee for miles, made with organic whole milk.The Post Office, too.

So we think we need a new name. The snag is, we’re not that creative, so we’re asking for your help.

Think of a good name for our new format.

The winner gets free cheese for two, despatched every weekend for a month.

Start thinking now!

 

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Butley Oyster Cheese Night 30th March

The Butley Oyster Inn

This coming Wednesday, if you can find your way to the Butley Oyster, there’s something of an out-of-season treat in store.

Not just the rather well-kept Adnams Broadside, which is the reason I’ll probably be cycling there. But cheese.

To celebrate taking the pub over and getting Montery Jack off the menu, where it used to be regarded as something close to haute cuisine, the new landlords are having a series of events this Spring. Cheese Night is this Wednesday.

From 8pm we’ll be hosting cheese tastings and be prompt, because there’s going to be a good selection of beer-related cheeses to taste.

Directions – well, you could go to Tunstall Common and turn right and keep on for about 3 miles. You could go to Woodbridge and take the Orford Road and you’ll get there just as well.

Either way, you can do it if you really want. Cheese and beer, badly enough, that is.

 

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Fantasy Island

According to the Bank of England’s Chief Economist, Spencer Dale , the UK economy is recovering. Not only that, but the weakness of broad money growth may be misleading, he claimed according to Reuters.

Let’s deal with this fantasy in easy stages. Unless you’re a weapons manufacturer, particularly one who for instance, sells bombs to the RAF at £250,000 each, the price of a normal metal casing full of explosive you drop off an airplane, you might not have noticed the economic recovery. Luckily, says the Bank, it’s ongoing. And it’s going to continue. Just like our spending on wars, which we can afford, at the same time as we’re cutting the defence budget. Obviously, the allegedly smart bombs, the ones you see on the films that are supposed to never miss anything, cost a whole lot more than the four-for-a-million deal.

Just in case you think all this legerdemain and confidence-booosting is just whistling while they walk past the graveyard to keep the ghosts away, the Bank of England has helpfully explained the rules have changed, anyway.

Here’s the science part, as they say on the ads: Broad money means the amount of liquid money around, notes, coins, and money in bank accounts. The kind of money you spend or the kind you might get out of the bank and use when you’re starting a business, for example. The kind of money a bank might lend you to do that. Not, of course, that they will, any more than they’ll give you a mortgage.

Anyway, say the Bank of England, the growth in broad money (the money you can use) and GDP (the money earned in the UK) has changed in the recession. Which is unarguably true. It’ll be a few decimal places different, unless all the previous correlations have just been coincidence and didn’t explain or justify anything.Ever.

What isn’t unarguably true is the next bit. Just because there’s not the same amount of money around now or in the future to spend on things, that doesn’t mean we can’t have growth, says the Bank. Do you see? The relationship’s changed. Obviously you’re not an economist, so I wouldn’t expect you to understand the finer points of how that works, but basically, just because people aren’t taking money out of the bank and spending it doesn’t mean the economy can’t grow.

It can. Just saying it can even make it happen, as Kate Bush said. Things can only get better. There’s nothing to fear except fear itself. We will fight them on the beaches. There’ll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover. We’ll gather lilacs in the Spring again. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll have a small war and a Royal wedding. That usually does it.

I can’t help but notice how this sounds like any speech any politician of any party has been giving since about 1998. No-one’s going to say the party’s over. No-one’s got a plan to improve the economy – but hey, that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. You’ve got to have faith.

I mean, it’s not as if the Bank of England would just parrot any old nonsense just to keep in with the government, is it?

 

 

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The Case of The Missing Mystery

Brain True-May is, or at least was the producer of Midsomer Murders, a TV rural crime show, before he got himself suspended for declaring the fictional town of Midsomer an all-white zone.

Let’s be clear, Midsomer doesn’t exist. It’s nothing to do with Midsummer Norton, so far as I know it’s filmed in Oxfordshire, and D.I. Barnaby’s breathing difficulties and increasing girth, let alone age, would have seen him comfortably pensioned off the police force some time ago.

The plot, if you can call it that, is always the same: someone gets murdered. Lots of people are involved. DI Barnaby solves the case with a wry grin in 45 minutes or so, undistracted by much paperwork or any other cases to work on. There aren’t any shoot-outs, Sweeny-style panch-aps or car chases worth the name, no-one ever seems to have killed someone just because they were off their face on glue and Barnaby absolutely never says “Put yer knickers on, darlin’, you’re nicked.”

So far so unrealistic, except all the police I know these days don’t talk like Jack Reagan any more than I do. There also seem to be more affluent middle and upper class people around than the people in the ex-council houses, which isn’t my experience of the countryside at all. What is realistic is Brain True-May’s depiction of the everyday casual racism in English country life.

Aside from places to buy antiques and paintings we have two shops in this village of 770 people. There’s us, where we have the deli, the cafe and the post office and Horner’s the corner shop, which stocks everything you need to keep you going, from bin bags to ice-creams, cigarettes and cornflakes. Not, admittedly, our gluten-free organic ones, but normal, everyday Kellog’s. The stuff you need all the time.

We try not to stock the things that Horner’s stocks, because it’s a nonsensical duplication of effort, dead stock and there are things we’d rather buy. But some of our customers say they prefer to buy from us, because of the colour of our skins.

Which is exactly the issue. It isn’t because the family who slave away until 9 o’clock at night in summer are from Sri Lanka. It’s because they have dark skin that some people in the village prefer to shop with us. We still don’t stock the things Horners has, because we’re not going along with this unacknowledged supposedly-genteel apartheid. One of our customers is 97. His father was Welsh, he was born in Spain and moved with his German mother to her homeland when he was two years old. According to him, the Horners’ people are to be called “the Colonials.”

What people really don’t like is facing up to what this attitude really is. This was the village where the BNP put up a candidate a few years ago. People in the village who didn’t vote BNP – and there certainly were some – lined-up to make excuses for those that did. “They don’t understand what they’re saying” was the best one I heard, implying as it did that the BNP supporters were so utterly moronic they didn’t even know what “send them all back” was about. And it wasn’t about nationality, or where people were born. The wife of one of the BNP supporters  was a white South African. We didn’t seem to hear anything about mandatory repatriation for her.

The family at Horner’s, to their credit, just smiled and sold these junior league Nazis their cigarettes so they could gas themselves before they got the chance to do it to anyone else.

So from here, I can’t see what the fuss is about in Midsomer. If Brian True-May was saying the countryside should be for whites only then no-one sane could possibly go along with that. If he was saying it already pretty much is, then for once his TV show is much closer to a documentary than he could ever have intended.

Maybe on TV every show should have a colour-blind actor-hiring policy. But let’s not pretend that’ll make it representative of everyday life in rural England.

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Closing Shops & The Living Museum

Just to be clear from the start, we’re not closing. But another local shop might, unless the locals come-up with a joint-stock option so they each own part of the shop.

But that isn’t the answer. Shops need customers. Hardly any shops ever close because they’re too busy. Rural shops close because the people there decide they aren’t going to buy things there. Villages do not lose their shops. Villages refuse to support thier local shops then pretend to be surprised when the shops close. All the grand talk about joint-stock companies and community enterprises comes to what it usually comes to – pious, time-wasting posturing.

Frankly, it’s childish. Does economics this basic really have to be spelled-out to people? Obviously, people in villages, towns or cities don’t have to care if their shop shuts. But it would be nice if they acted like adults just now and again and stopped whining when they’re faced with the consequences of their own actions.

If people in rural areas or anywhere else want things they have to pay for them. Even museums charge an entrance fee.

 

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The Russians Are Coming

Southwold is one of the loveliest, 1950s-style English seaside towns you could wish to imagine and if you live around here of course, you don’t have to imagine it.  Idyllic though it is, with its own brewery, the sea, the harbour, the fish restaurant and some quirky pubs, Southwold has its problems. At the moment there is something of a crime-wave down at the harbour and someone’s boat has been borrowed, probably permanently. It was all ready on its trailer, ready to go and some time over a two-and-a-half day period when the owner wasn’t looking, it went. The same thing happened to my Honda outboard motor I left on the back of my boat while it was parked in the harbour boatpark, just a few minutes walk from the high security area that isn’t the Coastguard station. That was oh, three years ago. Quite a crime wave around here.

There is a dearth of rates paid in the town, because the council decided that second-home owners, although they could afford two houses, shouldn’t have to afford two lots of council tax. When over six out of ten houses in Southwold are second homes, that gives the council a problem paying for anything, and the local shopkeepers a problem staying open unless the second homers are in town. But the even bigger problem in Southwold right now is fear. Fear caused chiefly by the new Conservative MP.

As Conservative MPs go, Therese Coffey isn’t exactly the scariest. She’s pleasant to talk to and she does what she says she’ll do, which is a good thing in anyone’s book. What she did to make everyone in Southwold start jumping up and down but still voting Conservative, obviously, in deepest rural Suffolk, was to go flatly against the preferences of the former Conservative MP, John Selwyn Gummer.

The man who managed the BSE crisis by feeding burgers to his daughter on camera and one of whose last acts as a Conservative Cabinet Minister was to facilitate out-of-town shopping planning applications was a dedicated opponent of ship-to-ship oil transfers. Dr Coffey voted for them almost the same day she was elected. To be fair, it wasn’t completely her fault. The shipping Minister, the MP for the well-known nautical constituency of Hemel Hempstead announced that resources for dealing with ship-to-ship oil transfers were ring-fenced just a few days before another department announced that the local Coastguard was being axed and all the Coastguard activity could equally well be done from Southampton, just 300 miles away.

Starting at the start, oil tankers are huge. That means there are lots of places they can’t go and lots of ports that are too shallow to fit them in. So smaller tankers are loaded-up with oil and they transfer their cargo to bigger tankers somewhere there’s more water to float their boats. The best place to do this is in a harbour, where if oil gets spilled there are clean-up squads to leap into action and stop the spillage wrecking the beach, killing the seabirds and generally upsetting the tourists. In the worst-case scenario they can simply put a boom across the harbour so the oil can’t float out of it, then clean it up there and then. And equally obviously, that costs money. Stand-by rescue crews don’t pay for themselves and nor do the boats, booms and detergent chemicals.

So if you have the option as a shipowner or cargo manager, you’re going to look for a cheaper alternative. And transfer the oil at sea. A lot has been made of the fact that the ships are moving while this happens. People who object to that seem to think the sea behaves pretty much the same as a car park. You wouldn’t pump petrol from one car to another while you were driving down the M1, would you? The snag is the sea isn’t like a car-park. Car-parks don’t go up and down in waves and they don’t move at around 3 miles an hour while you’re parked either. If your ship’s sitting there with dead engines, it’s still moving. And you aren’t in control of it. A little knowledge isn’t always a bad thing, whatever the view in some parts of the countryside.

Will the oil spill? Will the tourists come and spend money? Will there ever be anything that can properly be called a rural economy that doesn’t almost exclusively depend on tourism? Tune in for the next exciting episode. And if you’re really that bothered about oil spills get out of your car and start cycling more on short journeys, which are most of them, so we don’t need as much oil in the first place.

Until then, if you want to play an exciting role in the Big Society, Yarmouth Coastguard are currently looking for volunteers. I can’t see what could possibly go wrong.

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LibCons, Post Offices and the Big Fat Shiny Lie

A new Bill affecting Post Offices is being rushed through Parliament right now. It’s got all the right phrases and emphasis on “locals” as the new offices are being called. And it will result in thousands of small post offices shutting all over the country.

One immediate change is that you’ll be able to open a post office in a pub or a garage or a shop. Much as you already can, in fact. The difference is going to be dressed-up as cost-saving. You won’t need to install any security screens or strengthened glass.

No, you’ll have the dubious pleasure of sitting in a normal shop or pub with several thousand pounds-worth of stamps and up to say £25,000 of cash for transactions just sitting in the till. The normal post office rules that if you lose it it’s your fault and you have to make it up to the Post Office will still apply. So you’d better have a big bladder, as you’re going to be sitting there from opening until the time you shut. You might also need a big cricket bat stashed under the counter.

Actually that’s not strictly true so far as the cash is concerned, because one of the new plans in the Bill is the genius-level idea that entrepreneurs who want to run Post Offices can supply the transactional cash themselves, rather than order it from the Post Office as they do at the moment. By transactional cash I mean things like the money the Post Office distributes for say benefits and pensions.

“Hello Mr Johnson, I’m your new business Manager and I understand you’d like to borrow around £30,000 to um, have I got this right, give it to other people who come into your shop, then you’ll get it back from someone else? I must say it’s an unusual request. Unfortunately, in the current climate, I’m sure you understand how it is…….”

Green GIRO payments won’t be affected, because although they represent something like £36,000,000 across the counter each year the Post Office in its wisdom has agreed to give-up doing GIRO payments on the understanding it will get a lot more back from government if it does.Personally, I find the idea that if you give something up in the hope you’ll get more of something else something not even the stupidest and greediest ten year-old would consider. And that’s dealing with a person, not with a government department. You can’t trust them at all, because there’s literally no-one there to trust. Not now, because they’re supposed to be impartial executives who don’t deal in personal issues like trust anyway. And certainly not in the future, because they simply won’t be there as a matter of self-evident truth.

The Bill goes further – the new “locals” won’t be allowed to sell road tax and a lot of other things that smaller post offices now sell, either. And they won’t be able to accept parcels over a certain size.

One issue will be that small rural communities will be directly penalised. People there don’t have good broadband connections. A lot of them don’t even have computers. So now they’ll have to travel to the nearest larger post office to get their GIRO or buy their road tax, assuming they’ve got a car in the first place.

All the risk goes private, all the reward goes to the state. It’s a neat reversal of the way the state treats larger businesses, but then, the Big Society was always a mass of contradictions from the start.

But maybe the people in rural areas simply bring it on themselves. Suffolk voted Conservative almost to a man. One of the local election agitators said before last May that they could stick a blue rosette on a sheep and it would get elected. They voted for it, they got it. And they either want their communities demolished or they didn’t believe the Conservatives would actually do what they said they would, try to out-Thatcher Thatcher. As Nigel Lawson put it so well nearly 30 years ago – they’re victims of their own greed.

Since I first wrote this we’ve reconsidered whether we should keep on being a collection point for prescriptions – which we don’t get paid for – and whether we keep on paying for a phone line to maintain the electric top-up card machine, which gets used roughly twice a month. We’re doing this for nothing. And I simply can’t see why. It’s not about being part of the community – it’s helping the community keep on believing they can vote for the state to be dismantled around them and keep on getting the same services the state used to provide, just so long as they don’t have to pay for them. Who should is never really explained, at least not to me.

The former owner of the shop used to get bread in, organic seeded gluten-free, you-name-the-foible it got catered for. Because it was expensive and a lot of the customers were older people he felt sorry for he put about 10p on some of the loaves. Not a lot of profit. Then he had to get a freezer because the people who’d said they couldn’t live without it never turned up for it before it went out of date. As they explained to us, pity we scrapped the freezer because the bread was half-price then. There’s a difference between getting a service and taking the micky. And for many people, it’s a bit late to have to explain it.

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Suffolk Coffee Company’s First Roast

Sweet, strong, nicely balanced and blended for us exclusively.

Just before Christmas a personable young bloke can hurtling into the embryonic cafe and told us he’d just decided to blend and roast coffee. Good idea, we said, let us know when you have and we’ll stock it.

For a while we heard no more, but then yesterday, an improbably short time to get coffee roasters through the import system, set them up and start roasting, it arrived, the very first Seasonal Blend from the Suffolk Coffee Company. Roasted in Peasenhall, we are currently and not for very long the only place in the entire universe you can actually buy this coffee. Better still, we’re the only place you can taste it first.

This Saturday morning we’re introducing it to the world, so come and see us, taste it and be early, because we’ve got just 20 bags and when they’re gone we have to go around the corner and knock on the door to get some more.

What’s It Like?

We all sat down to decide what we liked about coffee and just as importantly, so we could articulate what we didn’t like about it in general. I like my coffee strong, but I don’t like acidity. I like it quite sweet, but I don’t ever want to put sugar in it – I want to drink coffee, not Coke, after all. I want a little salty Peaberry-type lightness too. And we got it.

Don’t take my word for it, although it really is seriously good coffee. Come and try it for yourself. Or ask Mr Lewis, our resident gourmet-product tester.

Tasting in progress. Hush. He's got to concentrate.


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Friday is Pie Day

As of, well Friday really, we’re making Friday official Yoxford Pie Day.

Organic Gloucester Old Spot pork pies and sausage rolls, along with some other rather nice goodies, all following our central philosophy : Good food doesn’t mean lots of fuss.

The pies are quite spicy because we like them that way, so we should probably also point out that Friday is also Cake Day.

This week we’ve got frangipane, Eccles cakes and a chocolate torte.

Open at 9am Friday, so you can have your cake and eat it.

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Some surprise

Reuters splashed this story today ( Economy Suffers Shock Q4 Contraction) that the UK economy had shockingly contracted during the last three months of 2010.  It was even on the main TV news, but luckily only for about 30 seconds, before we were treated to three minutes of Colin Firth getting an award for playing a stammering king.

Quite who was shocked by this news wasn’t clear. Nobody I know selling anything would have been surprised. Judging by what I’m hearing this month, no-one in real Britain will be surprised when the economy contracts again in 2011 Q1. Except politicians who only want to hear their own voices, of course, and the City boys awarding themselves their bonuses with my compulsorily-donated bail-out package money I never voted to give them. Sorry, lend. Not give. The bail-out is a loan, isn’t it? It’s not as if it’s a free gift for the banks or anything, surely.

Morbid talk? No, I don’t think so. The astonishing thing is that experts, presumably the geniuses in the City and in Westminster who stuffed the economy in the first place, thought the downturn was a surprise.  Just like the big surprise when sub-prime mortgages turned-out to be sub-prime. I mean, how the heck could that possibly happen? Once again, who knew?

People who didn’t listen to themselves and their own self-interested peers knew all along. Anyone on any High Street in the UK knew that outside of Parliament no-one was glowing with confidence in the future and outside the City it wasn’t business as usual, except when it came to dealing with banks.

Ours announced they might be able to extend our overdraft. For a month, no more, obviously, as it’s a well-known banking fact that it wasn’t really sub-prime mortgage packages they didn’t understand that messed-up the banks, but those wretched small businesses that form the overwhelming majority of the banks’ business accounts. Every banker knows that. Or they act as if that was the truth, anyway. They said they could increase the overdraft by, oh, as much as five hundred whole pounds. And only charge three hundred to do it. For a month.

This isn’t made-up. This is the Big Society brave new support package that banks and the government that owns them think is going to reinvigorate the economy. It’s just the same rules as always. Whatever it says on the Monopoly card, in real life the bank error is never in your favour. Only in theirs.

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My Best Food Job Ever

Another Average Day In Paradise

I drove my old Chevrolet down the Western slope of Independence Pass the last day of August a long time ago, leasving the Interstate at Limon, driving up off the plains before Colorado Springs, blowing a radiator hose outside Buena Vista, repairing it for 82 cents with a lift from a pick-up full of Mexican migrant workers and rolling into Aspen around four in the afternoon. I could keep this up all day, you know. Of course, I was younger then.

I lived in my car a couple of nights, in the cold, haunted car-park where the fruit stall gave me breakfast on the road to Woody Creeek. Haunted? Well, oddly, yes. I saw a girl hitch-hiking there way past the time cars were passing. When I looked again she’d gone. Then she hadn’t. Then she had. And no cars had passed. I even went over to see what I was seeing, but when I got to where she was, she wasn’t. Something like that happened again at the Hotel Jerome I still can’t explain, but none of that had anything to do with working at the Popcorn Wagon. Except an urgent desire not to spend too many nights sleeping in the fruit stand car-park.

It looked like an old stagecoach because it was.

I got my best job ever in this stagecoach. We cooked popcorn on a lethal burner with an open flame and the hot butter, the open flame and the two-foot high pile of fresh popcorn caught fire time after time. I only set light to it twice, but one day not that long ago someone didn’t see the flames in time and the whole thing went up. It was going to happen some time.

It was an odd time in Aspen, after the Music Festival and before the snow came down and the place jumped from 8,000 people to 6,000,000 going through in a whirl of designer ski-wear, moon boots, perma-tans, fur, whisky and cocaine. You’d see Goldie Hawn at the thrift shop, De Niro crossing the street, Hunter Thompson, nowhere near as cool and popular as he thought he was, standing dazed on the corner. I sold popcorn to David Soul one night at the wagon and I think I just broke my oath of confidentiality right then. The first time in decades.

You had to be careful how you talked to people. It was a good lesson. The guy who drove the dump truck dressed about the same as Mr Goldman Sachs. Millionaires seemed to compete to see how old their clothes were. None of my London-trained clues to see who was rich, who got better treatment, none of that worked in Aspen. It wasn’t an equal society in a lot of ways, but if you had any money at all it was good wherever I knew in town.

We cooked , big pitta breads with turkey or ham or beef topped with onion, peppers and corn and cheese – you sear one side of the big pitta in your big iron pan on the four-ring gas burner, flip it, put the topping on, cheese topside, then slap another big iron pan over the top until the cheese melts.You’d like sauce or mustard with that it’s right there, next to the tips jar. Thank-you. Eight till late, which meant out of season around half-one on a crispy mountain night. Then wash-up, but don’t ever put water or washing-up liquid on those big pans. You put them on the heat, pour salt in, wait until it’ll really hurt bad if you mess this up and scour the salt out with paper towels. Of course on the heat, you baby. When they start to catch it’s hot enough. Then do it again. You want a non-stick pan that’s the only way to do it, or it was back then.

I always got the names of the food wrong and called the Greegaros Grogans, but the Grogans were crepes we made with the flat pans, savoury with the same mixings or the best ones, the cinnamon and brandy and sugar ones that jolted you back awake around midnight when the few beers you’d had at the Red Onion before the shift were wearing thin. The Red Onion was a bit upscale for the collection of college kids and ski bums and transients that made our crew, but the deal was they had free food on the bar if you drank there. What we were supposed to do, ignore it? That would be rude.

A while ago I had a dream. It was a sunny Fall day in Aspen and I was driving down the valley, just to get some groceries and a short break from Paradise. The Chevrolet was humming along, the windows were open and that big boat of a car floated over the road the way it used to. God or someone had done me a special deal and said I could have that car any colour I liked, so I had it gold instead of green as we drove down to Glenwood one late September afternoon.

It had to come to an end some time and it did, for me, for Dan and Lil, for the rest of the Popcorn Wagon crew and for the Wagon. We have our own support group of Facebook these days. No, sadly that’s true. Aspen’s still there. The mountains are still there.

I know now that whatever happens I’ll never get back there the way it all was, when the whole place was glowing in that sweet dry Autumn sunshine, except when I dream. But as Gaff said to Deckard at the end of Bladerunner, “then again, who does?”

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Today’s New Products

New stock arrived today so we thought we’d share our thoughts and tastes with you before you buy things. As a small shop and serious food people we’re passionately concerned with how things taste as well as what’s in them and where they come from. That usually means we taste things before we sell them. It’s a tough job and we don’t get many thanks but hey, someone’s got to do it.

Vegetarian, organic, gluten-free and really, really good soup.

We’ve just shared a tin of this rather wonderful organic vegetarian gluten-free soup and there are so many things about that sentence I never thought I’d write. For starters, which it would be perfectly suitable for, one tin is enough for two people. Secondly, despite being vegetarian, it tastes as if it’s made from ham stock and certainly doesn’t taste as if it’s ever been anywhere near a tin. It’s very, very good soup and we’ve got it now.

If you want some of that you’re really going to have to hurry, because someone’s just come in and bought a load of it. They usually have to travel to Halesworth to get it, but we saved them the journey. And some fossil fuels as well, of course, unless they were cycling.

We’ve already mentioned the lovely, good-for-you, ethical and Marine Stewardship Council-approved Fish4Ever meals – I’m having some for lunch.

Come and see us soon, before there’s nothing left to eat here! By the way, Anne would rather you didn’t buy the leek and potato when you visit us, because it’s her favourite soup. She hopes that’s clear.

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Yoxford & the Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall Fish Fight

Hugh’s Fish Fight on TV was as usual informative, politely in-your-face and angry at the nonsensical waste of good food that also does nothing to help the environment caused by current fishing policies. If you like eating fish and want to make sure the fish you eat are sustainably caught, come and see us.

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall braves the taint of decay and corruption. As well as holding two fish.

Scottish things being close to the heart of postmistress Anne Cattanach Kennedy, the daily peruse of the Press and Journal showed a flock of wee celebrities have signed-up to Mr Fearnley-Whittingstall’s attack on the European Common Fisheries Policy (CFP), including comedian Harry Hill, Desert Island Discs presenter Kirsty Young, X Factor host Dermot O’Leary and restaurateur Rick Stein, among others. (You can read more about that story at: http://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/Article.aspx/2087360#ixzz1AuKlFj2b).

What was even more saddening than the stupid and useless waste of the by-catch, where fish caught outside a quota have to be dumped over the side was the cynical behaviour of Tesco, among others, saying they were helping conserve fish and doing something quite different

The key thing to remember about commercial fish catching is that once you haul cod or most deep water fish up from hundreds of feet under the ocean, they’re almost always dead by the time they reach the surface. The deeper they’re caught the more this is true. If throwing the out-of-quota fish back meant they swam away to live full and happy lives it would make some kind of environmental sense, but that doesn’t happen. Dead fish are dead, whether or not they are in a quota or out of it. Hugh didn’t seem to mention that much.

He also didn’t seem to mention the idea that the Common Fisheries Policy was more about protecting lobbied-for EU jobs and markets than protecting fish, who last I heard didn’t often vote. Certainly many politicians I’ve heard on the topic seem to feel that because of this refusal to get involved with the process they’ve only themselves to blame.

Tesco feature on this website more than once for having their fishcake and eating it. Once more the programme showed Tesco tins proudly saying that their tuna was dolphin-friendly, then we listened to a local fisherman saying he couldn’t see how that could be, when the three kilometre circle of net they hauled in scooped-up everything there, three kinds of tuna, sharks, turtles (or tortoises, as he called them), dolphins and he couldn’t see what they could do about it, given that’s what nets do. Tesco didn’t seem to be the kind of friend any sensible dolphin might like to be seen with.

Be that as it may, Tesco could still say they were friendly to fish, because whether or not they’re just gay sharks, as a dim-but-delectable character from US sitcom Glee maintained, dolphins aren’t fish anyway. They’re mammals. Like dur, as they say.

Labour MP and spokesperson on fishing MP Willie Bain suddenly wants a piece of media too, now that it’s got quite fashionable to be interested in fish.

Fourteen years after labour's landslide victory, a Labour MP talks about by-catch.

“I welcome the launch of Fish Fight campaign and the focus Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall and others have given to the scandal of dead fish being thrown back into the sea.

“It is a terrible waste that up to half of all fish caught in the North Sea is discarded due to the perverse rules of the Common Fisheries Policy. Labour Ministers led the battle for fisheries reform in Europe, and we want to see the new minister finish the job and end the disgrace of discards.

We’re delighted to see the Fish Fight campaign focusing on this issue and encouraging people to make informed decisions about the fish they buy. The government needs to work with our European allies to ensure that fisherman can land more fish and kill fewer, earn a decent living for their efforts, and be stewards of our fish stocks and marine environment for generations to come.”

Clearly he still doesn’t get it. Once a fish is caught it is dead. You can’t fish and “kill fewer.” It doesn’t work like that.

Leaving the politicians and celebrities to garner as much publicity as they can for a while, you can make a difference here in Yoxford. As of yesterday, even before Hugh fearlessly ate it all, or at least some of it, we now stock four different kinds of  genuinely sustainable fish.

Fish4ever's great MSC-certified sustainable meal range.

All from Fish4Ever, we have Herring Fillets in organic French tomato sauce, Mackerel fillets in an organic French herb dressing, Smoked Kippers in organic sunflower oil, Smoked kippers and sustainably-fished Scottish Brisling.There’s always a Scottish connection, if you look hard enough.

Why did we choose Fish4ever? There were very good reasons. We agree with their fishing policy. We don’t think bottom-dwelling fish should be scooped up and the seabed destroyed. We don’t think fish farms are a good idea for lots of different reasons. And we like eating fish and there are some very, very good health reasons to eat more of it, as doctors have been saying for years.

So come and see us, or email us and we’ll send you some using our next-day direct mail service. Each box of fish is a good meal for two – try it the way they suggest, either just with boiled potatoes the Scottish way or in a wrap with sour cream if you want to get fancy.

Either way, try our new range of sustainable fish, help Hugh and Greanpeace and have some great healthy food while you’re doing it. Eating well doesn’t cost the earth. And it shouldn’t cost the waters that are two-thirds of it.

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Leiston Tesco News

Very little helps

Back in December Leiston Business Association met a team from Tesco: Louise Gosling, Corporate Affairs Manager and Simon Birnaum and Malcolm Alsop, both described by Leiston’s Town Telegraph and presumably by Tesco as “town planners” to discuss how Tesco’s proposed new shop would affect other shops in the centre of Leiston.

I didn’t know that Tesco were in the town planning business, but the meeting shouldn’t have taken long. Opening a Tesco in Leiston will destroy what’s left of the town centre and empty almost every shop that’s there now.

Leiston isn’t a big place. There are two butchers and two bakers, a good greengrocer, a chemist, a Co-Op, a health food shop, a pet shop, a couple of newsagents and hairdressers, a radio and TV shop, a couple of estate agents and charity shops and that’s about it. There’s also a bicycle shop that’s good for bits and pieces and separately an electric bike shop. There’s a junk shop, a closed guitar tuition shop and an antiques place, aside from the bookies and the optician. There  aren’t many of these that would not be affected by a Tesco store.

Obvious front-line casualties in the first wave of the assault will be the butchers and the greengrocer, followed by the bakers and the petshop. The radio and TV shop won’t be safe, and neither will the chemist, the newsagent shops nor the health food place. And Tesco sell bicycles, while we’re here. Of course, they don’t sell spare parts for them, they want the profit on the big sale and someone else can pick up the costs of stocking parts. A small shop maybe, one of the kind you used to see before they went bust. Or of course, you can chuck your Tesco bike away as soon as it goes wrong and buy another one from Tesco. And don’t forget to congratulate yourself on how Green you’re being, cycling around instead of burning Tesco petrol.

Speaking for Tesco, Louise Gosling trotted-out their normal line that building a new store there would bring people to the town, ignoring the point that despite Tesco’s belief, there is still slightly more to a town than their supermarket. As they did in Halesworth, Tesco said they would be building six retail units, or shops, as they used to be called, into which new or existing businesses could move.

So the plan is to doughnut the town, gutting the centre and turning that into a deserted wasteland, so that the few remaining businesses can move and pay rent to Tesco in the new units while Tesco undercuts them until they go bust. It would be easy to assume mega-supermarkets don’t just want to shut every other business, they want to get paid by them while they do it.

Magnanimously, Tesco said they would not be opening a pharmacy, optician or cafe in the new shop if and when they open on the Jewson’s site at the west end of the town. It’s the site that used to be Leiston Building Supplies in Abbey Road. Ther’es nothing else near it, not even houses on that side of the road and at the moment there are feilds all around it. It’s too far to carry shopping into town by foot and the car parking in the town is stretched pretty much to its limit as it is.

Tesco claimed that statistics supported them and laid-out some almost totally meaningless figures to support their case. Almost 50% of Leiston shoppers use the Co-Op and 25% use Martlesham Tesco, 20 miles away, so the new Tesco will bring shoppers back into Leiston. There was no attempt to say how many Co-Op shoppers were the very same people who shopped at the nearest Tesco, nor how anyone shopping at Tesco would automatically also shop in Leiston town centre before or after they’d filled their trolley. It was near enough to the town centre for people to walk if they wanted to, Tesco said, and that’s true. It’s also true that means crossing a railway line, narrow pavements and outside the garage no pavement at all without crossing the road on a corner at the railway crossing.

Then Tesco really laid on the heavy statistics. Two-thirds of the responses to their “consultation” wanted a Tesco, they said. The fact that out of the 7,000 leaflets Tesco said they had distributed only 300 came back, with 200 saying they wanted a Tesco, literally didn’t count. Maybe it’s me, but 200 positive responses out of 7,000 tells me 2.8% of the leaflets Tesco sent out produced a response in favour of a Tesco.

Tesco are proposing a store of 22,000 square feet, half as big again as  the Co-Op which in these parts is thought to be a pretty big shop. Someone asked how much income per square foot would make this size of store viable, but Tesco’s Corporate Affairs Manager said with a straight face that they didn’t have that kind of information. No-one asked if there had been any evaluation of whether it really would be new business, or whether Tesco just wanted all the business in the town which could then close up and stand empty for the rest of time. But of course, none of that’s really Corporate Affairs, is it? Or, apparently, town planning.

Put to the vote a show of hands was not in favour of any new supermarket on the site and several proposals suggested a smaller store without parking, closer to the town centre. There’s precious little chance of that happening though – apart from anything else that would put Tesco on a level playing field with other shops in Leiston.

You can follow more reports from the trenches on the Leiston Tesco salient at www.suffolkcoastbusiness.co.uk.

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More open than usual

An old customer just told me about something that happened he knew of, late in 1944 or early 1945, in London.

John Lewis had, as they still have, a big store there and to raise morale in the dark days of the war always had a sign outside saying “Open As Usual.”

Until one day or more probably by then, one night, a German bomb dropped and blew the doors off, as Michael Caine would have put it.

So they put up a new sign:

“More Open Than Usual.”

We’re as open as usual, there’s no snow, the cheese cabinet’s full of wonderful cheeses and there’s a load of new things coming to the shop this week, along with our famous mocha coffee. Soon we’ll also have our alcohol licence, then we can have wine and cheese evenings. Even fondu evenings, with a big discount for anyone called Abigail. Birth certificates and driving licences accepted.

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Happy New Year

We’re now closed until 9am on Tuesday, 4th January 2011.

It’s been a year of changes for us, moving indoors, building the non-cheese side of the business, learning how to make good coffee.  It’s given us a lot more scope too, for example, to do things like promoting food events. I’ve just been talking to Marwood Yeatman (author of The Last Food of England, I mean come on, I have mentioned this before and I’m getting tired of repeating myself) about a promotional event we might be running next year some time, which should be good.

I’ve also been talking to the Slow Food Movement. Well, I say I’ve been, but the truth is I’ve been trying to and in seven weeks, they haven’t got back to me. Sadly, I haven’t made any of that up at all.

So all that’s left this year is to clean the floor, but I can’t do that until the vacuum cleaner arrives next week, and I can’t find the dustpan which is a pity because I’ve just spilt some coffee grounds on the floor. And throw the last tiny slice of hazelnut and chocolate torte away rather than eat it, because that’s next year’s resolution, stop munching my way through the stock. Pausing only to say if you’re the Russian cretin who honestly believes if you keep spamming this website with inane and Cyrillic links to your somehow 1950s-looking porn website I’m really going to put them on the Comments section then it explains why Russia is in the state it’s in.

If you’re looking for a free shareholding interest in the business you’ll also be disappointed, which was one golden offer we found we were somehow able to refuse this past year.

If you’re on a market stall, or at a Farmers Marker, we’ll miss you and all the help almost every stallholder I’ve ever met has provided, free, because we were all in it together.

If you’re a customer, past, present or future, or you’re a supplier, or you’re just reading this website instead of going downstairs and talking to someone, just thank-you. I hope your next year brings you all that you want.

And from the dark and burnt rind at the edge of this year,  I hope you’ve had a very happy Christmas. Good luck in 2011.

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Creed’s, Cheese & The Congresbury Thorn

Another year nearly gone and another year that I haven’t been back to Creed’s farm. V.M. Creed is at Red House Farm, Stratton-on-the-Fosse, on the B3139, on the back road from Radstock to Bath, half-way to Clevedon. It’s a farm shop made of breezeblocks on top of a cold and windy hill where for the last 40 years they’ve sold cheese and cider. Three types of cider, two types of cheese. The cider used to be sold by the jug, you bring your own or buy one there and they decant the sweet, dry or medium into glass milking jars on the wall so you can see how much you’re buying, in multiples of half a gallon.

The cheese is “stilton” or “cheddar”, in other words blue or white and it is fantastic. I think, although they won’t say, the cheddar is Westcombe. It’s not from Creed’s but one of the other farms’ nearby, the two old ladies in charge told me once. They sit there most of the day in two old armchairs, chatting in front of an electric fire on top of this hill in the middle of the Mendips, on the road to nowhere in particular. There are so many worse ways to spend old age.

St Congar founded Congresbury, where we were usually going when we drove past Creed’s farm, to see my aunty Barbara who lived there. She told me St Congar came over on the same boat as Joseph of Arimathea. Like many things you remember from childhood, it’s all wrong. St Conger came from Wales in the 500s and Joseph about 470 years earlier, bu they both had a good trick with sticks. Joseph went to Glastonbury and stuck his staff into the earth and where it burst into flowers and leaves he built the abbey around it there. Where they buried Arthur, our King. Where the thorn that grew from his staff still flowers every Christmas, and we know it does, because every year they show it on HTV, our own local television station. There used to be a big sign up at Paddington Station, right at the end of the platforms for St Ives and the deep west, that simply said: “HTV – Your station back home.”And I won’t be back there in the West Country again this year.

Did St Conger really plant his staff into the earth? Did it really burst forth leaves and flower at Christmas? Is it really that huge old tree, bound-up with iron hoops to keep it together, because it’s split so many times? Of course it is. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

If you do want some very, very good cheese and cider by the gallon, give Creed’s a call and go and see them – put BA3 4QE in your satnav but ring them on 01761 412319 first.

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A Spanish Christmas tradition

I spent two Christmases in Fuengirola, but luckily in the company of Spanish friends rather than spending time on the gertcha English seafront. Two hundred yards back from the paseo and you’re still in a very Spanish town. Every shopfront, from the department store to the lighting shop, every tapas bar and computer repair man, has a little Belem in the shop window, like a tiny train set Nativity but without the trains. Some have plastic baby Jesuses, posh folks have plaster or wooden ones, and the really great ones have plastic camels and lights that twinkle like cooking fires and mechanised figures that shovel bread into ovens and draw water from the wells.

Towards midnight on New Year’s Eve everyone gathers in the town square. Again, everyone who’s Spanish, anyway. You buy a little plastic bottle of muscat from the guy with a tiny wooden stall, like a newspaper stall at the side of the square and you buy a bunch of grapes too. That’s the important part.

More and more people pile into the Square, drinking their rather fine sweet heavy wine from the bottles they bought from the little stall like minor characters in a Kerouac novel, until the town hall clock beings to strike twelve. Then you have to eat all the grapes before it finishes. It’s the law, or at least it might as well be, because it’s taken really seriously. The wine helps if you get stuck on the grapes a bit. Finish the whole bunch by the twelfth chime on the town hall clock and you’re lucky for the whole year. You might even be lucky enough not to get hit by the firework rockets the dumber teenagers let loose into the crowd from milk-bottle launchers, like a Spanish Taliban hit squad on the loose on the shores of the Mediterranean.

You’re lucky just to be there, in a little town under the stars, with everyone around you, there for the same thing. Whatever it turns out to be.

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Marsh mutton

Where sheep may safely graze

Doesn’t that sound good? Maybe a little salty, but mutton grazed on the marsh, with perhaps a little hint of samphire, a touch of clover and watercress. Imagine the pastures scoured clean by the wind and washed clean by the tides. How could it be better or more natural?

You can’t get it now; Daniel Defoe wrote about it in 1722. It was reared down near Tilbury, between Barking and Dagenham, where the Thames breached its banks for ten years and inundated 5,000 acres, all rented by farmers and cow-keepers and the canny “grasing butchers.” These were exactly what they said they were, butchers who reared, or at least fattened their own meat.

Interesting although this arguably is, the most fascinating thing about marsh mutton was this: it didn’t exist.

All it ever was was big sheep, such as Lincolnshire and Leicestershire wethers, bought in Smithfield Market when the Lincolnshire and Leicestershire farmers sold their stock off before they had to pay to feed them through the winter. There wasn’t anything much in the grazing on the marshes, the marsh-farmers and graziers just bought at a good price at one time and sold it on with a fancy name when the price had gone up, a few months later. And being flooded marshland, their rents weren’t exactly high.

I didn’t make this up, it’s all in Defoe’s Tour Through England & Wales, page 9 in the 1928 Everyman’s Library version in front of me.

“They buy in Smithfield in September and October and are kept here till Christmas, or Candlemas, and though they are not made at all fatter here than when they were brought in, yet the farmer or butcher finds very good advantage in it, by the difference of the price of mutton between Michaelmas when ’tis cheapest and Candlemas when ’tis dearest. This is what the butchers value themselves upon. Then they tell us at the market that it is right marsh mutton.”

Michaelmas is October 10th. Candlemas is 40 days after Christmas Day. And even in 1722, food producers were making up meaningless names like “marsh mutton” then or “pan fried” now to make food sound special.

Try to imagine what something could be fried in if it wasn’t fried in a pan. It’s the same as the qualities a marsh would bring to mutton, given that sheep do well on chalk downland, not hock-deep in river water.

There was never a golden age of food, any more than there was a golden age of anything else. You have to ask. You have to think. Or eat what you’re given.

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We’re all food heroes now

Here in Suffolk Coastal we feel we’re pretty lucky with food. There’s so much of it, fresh and high quality, almost literally right on the doorstep. I drive through Sternfield, the hamlet where they grow the best asparagus in England – and that means the world – every day on my way to work. You get to choose; you can either buy it from the farm shop, or go to the packing shed on one of the growing farms and stand there watching your breath turn to steam in the frosty cold of an early May morning, or go where I go, down a little lane, through the water-splash and park on the verge, next to the brush-painted sign that just says “Asparagus” and knock on the caravan door in the front garden. If they’re in the “shop” you stop and have a chat about the weather, the length of the season and how the stalks are growing this year. If there’s no-body there you just leave the money in the tin. It’s about half what you pay in Tesco for rubbishy foreign asparagus but the season is short, just the five or six weeks when the stalks are bursting out of the ground and when it’s gone, that’s it for the year. That’s half the beauty of it. Nature might be bountiful when it suits but she can be a stingy old girl as well.

Most of the asparagus growers around here all went on the same training course in Holland and it worked. It’s odd seeing fields apparently covered in water in the Spring but when you get closer you realise it’s thermal plastic shimmering through the hedges, not water at all.

Just up the road from there you can find some of the best beef you’ve ever tasted, organically raised on the farm where it’s sold. Even nearer you can buy half or whole lambs from a shed on the farm they were born on. You can buy cheese direct from the farm if you go up to Coddenham and get fish straight from the men who caught it from the huts on the beach at Aldeburgh and Orford and bread from the new bakery there too. If you need honey or eggs then you look for the little home-made wooden tables at the side of the road and remember your favourites. My best place for eggs used to be the stall on the road from Halesworth to the A12, before we got our own chickens. My favourite place for honey, fresher and at a fraction of the price of supermarket stuff, was a little house on a railway crossing, miles down a lane somewhere near Saxmundham. Again, you have a chat with the people there if they’re there, or you leave the money in the tin. And don’t get cute and pretend you haven’t got the right change, or drop a 10p coin in, instead of a pound. It wouldn’t be the first time someone’s registration number’s been given to the police.

These are the real food heroes, the people quietly producing food with love and care. But they don’t get in the papers, or appear on TV. Instead we get a plastic picture of media food heroes that are almost unrecognisable. Not unrecognisable in the sense you can’t tell who it is. You can, only too well and it’s usually the writer of the foodie article. No, unrecognisable in the sense that the food that the national media praises to the sky as quirky, local, usually “organic” and utterly, truly the taste of the country is usually from the places anyone local avoids.

It’s not about avoiding the tourists – anyone with half a brain here who wants to survive the winter does everything they can to attract them. The types who usually bang on in September about how nice it is that all those dreadful people have gone away again are almost always the ones who come here about four times a year, happily not having to pay the council tax on their second home, taking-up parking spaces and enjoying the subsidy everyone who lives here doesn’t have the choice of not paying.

Take the famous smokehouse, for example. The tarry old wooden shack tucked away down an alley in a tiny village that used to be a big seaport before Cabot learned to bend a sail. Huge clouds of smoke billow out of it on smoking day and a prosperous-looking cat sits outside, dozing in the aroma of baking salmon, just awake enough nodding in the sun to see if any rats are going to poke their heads out from under the hut before the smoke cools down, the odds and ends are trimmed-up and he can top-up on hot smoked fish thrown out of the door.

You can buy smoked salmon there, not from Scotland but from Alaska. Obviously, it’s organic because no-one’s going to feed pellets to salmon when a grizzly bear might be eyeing-up the feed bucket, but Sarah Palin hasn’t got a lot to do with Suffolk, last time I looked.

You can also get some media-famous delicacies I’ve seen raved about in the Sunday papers, smoked Westcombe cheddar and smoked ham knuckles. Westcombe cheddar is sublime, my favourite hard cheese with a taste that takes me back thirty years to my grand mother’s kitchen table. Every time I went there the kitchen table had three essentials on it: big brown teapot full of hot tea; crusty loaf of bread, white but with a brown crust, soft inside, hard outside, cut about a quarter inch thick and layered with proper butter; and Westcombe cheddar. There was usually jam and lemon curd as well, and fruit cake, but the tea, the bread and the cheese had been Somerset working-man’s food for 200 years and my grandmother saw no reason to change that now. Or then.

Westcombe, along with Keen’s and Montgomery, combined to form one of the first West Country Slow Food praesidia. Two clues there then. It’s from the West Country and it’s very, very good cheese. Quite why anyone would want to smoke it beats me. It’s about as sensible and “authentic” as tomato ketchup on your steak. It might even be nice if you’re in the mood for it, but let’s forget all the talk about the delicacy of the flavour, the rarity and the utterly utter authenticity of rural peasant food and the heart-warmingly subtle nuances drawn from Nigel Slater’s Big Book of Onomatopoeias. The smoked Cropwell Bishop stilton tells the same story. Take a perfectly good cheese with a nice combination of robust notes, smooth creaminess  and a hint of acidity. Put it in a smoke house and fill it with strong smoke for a day or more, so you remove any hint of any flavour apart from smoke.

Men (never, ever women) of a certain age rave about the smoked ham knuckles. They’re black, though whether with tar or treacle I’ve never found out. I bought one once and ended-up throwing the better part of a tenner in the bin. It’s just massively smoked meat. Maybe it reminds the old boys of the Blitz, the same way a renowned restaurant near here (open when the owners feel like it, that’s how good it is) smells of cabbage water and operates what they call a carvery which simply makes you think of school dinners. That’s popular too, among chaps who still wonder what might have happened if Matron had felt the same way about them when they pulled a hamstring one Michaelmas term when The Beatles were young.

So here’s the plan. Get the Sundays to take some moody photos of the food shop. It’s a pity David Hamilton couldn’t be persuaded to take it on really, all dappled shapes, the interplay of light and shade and preferably some young girls in flimsy clothes, but this is for the quality Sundays, after all.

Attributed as "David Hamilton - Bikes." But still a caddish thing to say.

Maybe have them riding a bicycle with a basket full of cheese. Or salmon. It doesn’t really matter because it’s the image and the association that’s the important thing. The food is about as important as smoke itself.

If you want to go further up the media’s food strasse you could even set-up your own foodie webcam. Obviously, you wouldn’t set it up anywhere you might get a shot of boring old food; instead, a local and nationally famous chip shop has set it up to do what people really want done. The famous Aldeburgh fish shop webcam takes pictures of the queue, so you can see yourself on holiday, doing a really local thing, just like the funny little people who live here all the time. What a scream! Didn’t Damien do that silly voice well when he was ordering our fish and chips? That local girl couldn’t understand him at all. Say funny. We simply roared!

The fish there was great in 1990, the first time I tasted it. The two fish and chip shops are owned by the same people, but the service is always better in the one at the end of the High Street, which is probably why the queue is bigger there. But that’s not where the webcam is. A couple of years back the portions seemed to go summer-sized, or smaller, as we say in these parts, all year round, but that might have been a false impression. What isn’t is that every time I have fish and chips there I spend the next ten minutes coughing and clearing my throat. I don’t know what causes it, but it doesn’t happen anywhere else. There’s nowhere to sit, except on the pebbly beach, but that’s part of the charm of the place. Or it is when the sun’s shining, anyway.

Each to their own. But the real problem is there’s more to being a food hero than doing food well. You need a metropolitan food champion, someone who’s going to write-up how great it all is. And if they only spend half a summer Saturday researching it, two hours drive up from London and another hour trying to find a place to park the Cayenne, it really doesn’t matter. As any lagered-up dreamer with a plastic army charity wristband can tell you, we’re all heroes now.

As a footnote, I think on the whole I’ve been slightly unfair to David Hamilton (no, he was the one who did all the soft focus bony-hipped girls sitting on piers looking lost in France, not the photo of the girl scratching her arse before she serves for the crucial break while not exactly sensibly dressed for tennis). He wrote this on his website:

“A distinction must be made between eroticism and pornography; the media have blurred the disparity to an unforgivable degree. For those intelligent enough to recognize the difference, erotica will continue to hold a unique fascination. Social evils should not be confused with the pursuit of true beauty.” — David Hamilton“A

As I’ve said before, just transpose the word “eroticism” for “food.” Surprising, isn’t it?

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Corner of Cooper and Durant

Tramps like us, baby we were born to run.

I drove down off Independence Pass into Aspen, the last Sunday in August about a thousand years ago. I got into town about 4pm. I got myself a date around eight and so far as I recall, we went out to the Red Onion bar around about midnight.

I slept in my car that night, and a few more nights, out on the West side of town in a big layby sewt back from the road where the police didn’t bother because it was outside the Aspen city limits and just because. I woke up one morning with my kidneys cold from the frost. September nights aren’t usually cold here, but they are at 8,000 feet up in the Rockies. I needed to get a room and to do that I needed to get a job.

Aspen at that time of year isn’t the Aspen you probably know r heard about. The Music Festival was just about over, the film festival wasn’t that time either and the snow hadn’t come down yet. It was sunny every single day, a high mountain sunshine that just made your skin tingle, but maybe that was just the way everyone in town, the sheriff, the preisdent of Aspen Ski Corp., Hunter Thomson who lived just outside in Woody Creek, the janitor or all the ski bums and washing-up guys and check-out girls, the whole town, whatever they were doing, how ever much they were paid, could look up any time and see the sun shining on the mountains, the bright grey rocks haloed by the pure blue sky. It was a town where Goldie Hawn dressed down to go shopping (and she really, really looked not like Goldie Hawn when she did that, trust me) and dressing up meant clean Levis and a goose down jacket.

I got one of the best, most well-paid jobs I ever had. I banked my salary and lived on my tips, but of course, I had a cute Englsih accent I ratcheted up for the tourists and got rid off fast when there was anyone around who looked like they might be anyone official.

I got myself a job at Lil and Dan Lively’s Popcorn Wagon. It was a converted stagecoach serving hot spiced apple juice, grogans and popcorn from about 9am until abut 1am out of season.

The popcorn wagon, height restriction, online in 1984, the tiny store cabn, making the pancake mix the night before, grogans, like pitta pancakes layered with red peppers, cheese, onions, and hey, what kinda meat you like with that?

The owners had a tiny loft behind where the wagon was parked where they ordered meat, turkey, ham and beef, from Chicago, 1200 miles away, online, way back in 1984.

It was my first trailer food job. As you know, it wasn’t the last.

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Scrape and serve.

About 12 years ago I bought Nigel Slater’s thin and trembling little book Real Fast Food while I was killing time in Eton High Street. I didn’t go to school there, I didn’t teach there and I can’t for the life of me remember exactly why I had spare time there. But I did. I thought it was going to be a handy little boho guide and I wanted to start doing more cooking, quickly. And keep it real, of course.

Nigel wrote about how great it was to make plain brown rice for a quick supper. Well, I say quick, but anyone who’s ever cooked the stuff knows you can give it a good 40 minutes. And it’s still brown rice. Nowadays I’d sweat some onions first and probably lob a little curry powder and some cumin in as well, and while we’re here bung these diced boiled eggs in. And hang on, some smoked mackerel or anything else that can be described loosely as white fish from the fridge or the cupboard, plus some frozen peas and some butter and call it kedgeree.

As Nigel put it, it was about eating real food when you’re tired, cold and maybe just got back from the pub. Well, it works for me. It might be a bit of a scrape and serve recipe, but it beats eating cold pesto off a spoon from the jar.

Inspired by Reginald Perrin’s Grot Shop concept I invented the scrape and serve range nearly 30 years ago, while Nigella was still simpering round Naim Attallah. As a lot of people know and many choose to forget, twinkly-eyed old Mr Attallah made something of a speciality of launching the career of a certain type of girl. As this admittedly moronic article has it, Nigella took a job under him but that’s by the by.

Nigella's whole career was based on food. It looks like it, doesn't it?

I mean, look at the picture. Could anyone imagine this woman working under a man?

Is it unfair to call the article moronic? Well, yes. How can anyone can be described as “born an aristocrat” and then turn out to be the daughter of the Chancellor and the co-owners of Lyons Corner House? As any junior editor at Debrett’s could tell you, that’s trade, yah? Hardly aristocratic. I mean, rarely, as the gels from Conde Nast I used to know said in Palings wine-bar across Hanover Square after work. Usually about me, I suspected.

But who could resist delicious recipes, sensous flair, wonderful children and the terrible upset over a creme caramel that turned out badly? First she goes dahn the market then she shows the viewers her equipment. It’s all as ludicrous as her television persona is. I’ve no idea who wrote it but they clearly trace their ancestry back to a bizarre coupling of  Dad’s Army’s Mr Godfrey and Sid James.

It’s all made-up. According to the High Tory-friendly Daily Mail, far from the cosy little meal-ettes for two she pretends to cook up, husband Charles Saachi can’t stand her food. But she still knows how to eat, even though that dress shows that she probably ought to be thinking about writing How To Eat A Bit Less, among other things. As well as the follow-up volume “Stopping That Stupid Diana-Style Simpering.”

It’s total rubbish, the triumph of form over function and alleged beauty over truth. Do you still seriously imagine Nigel Slater really does chow down on brown rice, on its own, after a night out? Do you ever wonder why Charles Saachi can’t stand his wife’s food so much? Honestly? If you do, perhaps you’d like to be the first to buy my fabulous collection of scrape and serve recipes.

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Clubcard world – very little helps

The Tesco Clubcard, was invented to make Tesco shoppers buy more by tracking what they’d already bought. The Guardian ran a story about the Clubcard when the inventors retired in their early 50s in October this year.

Clubcard - I could pretend that nothing really meant too much, when I look at my China girl.

Some of the most depressing parts of the story, other than realising that the fat bloke who did karate two desks away from you at work has now made over thirty million and you haven’t, is the hysterically stupid way the Clubcard process is described. The Guardian put it like this:

Research professionals who know more about the way you shop than you do, Edwina Dunn and Clive Humby have enabled Tesco to turn the reams of sales data that whir through its tills into an invaluable look inside shoppers’ heads.

Well. Let’s start here. When I worked at CACI alongside Clive Humby, the word “research” was never, ever used, except as a derogatory aside about soft, made-up things like market-research. Obviously, the CACI ACORN profiling system was neither soft nor made-up, consisting as it did of approximations from the Census layered on systems like PAF, the Postal Address Files, which were never designed to do what they were now asked to do. Did it matter? Well, yes -  you could actually do demographic profiles for whole areas that didn’t exist, like the Barbican Streets the Luftwaffe demolished, still on PAF fifty years later.

The winner lives in Kent.

PAF was designed and used by the post office to put a postcode to an address and vice versa, so letters could get delivered. If it’s used for that it doesn’t matter if a street is still on PAF long after it’s gone, because nobody’s going to be sending any letters there anyway. Until CACI came along and said it would be a good idea to use it to do exactly that. PAF was not designed to be used as part of a marketing system, which was one of the key problems CACI had all the time I was there.

The biggest perversion though, lies in the idea that Clubcard, or anything like it, or any part of the research involved in Tesco’s sales analysis, “looks inside your head” just for a laugh, ah ha ha, as Peter Starstedt might have put it.

The ground-breaking loyalty scheme, which offers pennies and points to cardholders, offered much more to Tesco. With the click of a mouse Dunnhumby can profile you faster than the FBI can. From your shopping list it can tell whether you are a single, fast-food junkie or a family juggling a tight budget and school-age kids. The clues enabled Tesco to put the right products in the right stores, target promotions accurately, and lure back customers who dared to shop elsewhere.

No, no and no. Clubcard can’t profile you any more than Fox Mulder was a real FBI agent. It can’t tell whether you’re a single fast-food junkie or a family or the man in the moon.

It's an act of faith.

Clubcard research is about – and only about – what you bought. It isn’t even about what you bought as an individual, because no-one has the budget to promote anything to 60 million individuals in the UK. This is the real perversion, pretending Clubcard – and ultimately, tesco and every other mega-retailer is all about people and behaviours and predictability and choice. It’s just about what people bought. That’s all. Deal with it. That’s all that matters in mega-retailing. This really is not about you.

Clubcard’s research or profiling or more accurately analysis is simply about spending. What was spent on what items and what other items were bought at the same time and how often. Clubcard can’t predict which brand of chocolate-chip ice-cream is going to do better in June compared to December any more than any other collection of historical data can ever predict the future; rather, it can, just so long as the future is exactly like the past.

It can’t tell you a single thing about a single individual, much less profile anyone’s behaviour, because it isn’t designed to. At a stroke, it made a lot of market research totally irrelevant, making it seem a total waste of time to go round asking wishy-washy questions like “why did you buy that and not this?” and “how did you decide to buy these two instead of that one?” when frankly, who cares?

So long as there was a short-cut to how much, how often and when can we sell them some more, all that boring old rubbish about people and motivations and cognisance and all that “where do you go to my lovely” proto-hippy fandango was revealed as the self-indulgent eye-wash Mrs Thatcher said we’d all got mistaken for society, too.

Clubcard is elemental determinism, the absolute pinnacle of the idea that not only you are what you eat, but much sadder, you are only what you consume.

Does it matter? Not to Tesco. Not to planning retail sales, where by and large, the future is pretty much like the past.

Sure, there are breakthrough products now and again and I’m old enough to remember the game-changing fanfare that greeted the arrival of the Hob-Nob, but ultimately, it was a biscuit. Ok, it was a cross-category biscuit, with lumps in, but that didn’t really change the fact that people like biscuits. And saturated fat. That’s what makes them taste the way they do. And to say people have the choice, that they don’t have to buy rubbish in supermarkets, is about two microns away from saying it’s ok that the state picks-up the tab in health care for the damage deliberately carried-out when private corporations target the dumbest with the most sugar and fat.hat’s the same argument that says it’s ok to sell orange dye to go in children’s drniks when it makes them climb the walls because hey, nobody makes them drink it. It’s time to stop mincing words as well as mechanically recovered meat-type products.

I’m a bit like Fox Mulder too. No, really. I want to believe. Only with me, I want to believe that thoughts and feelings and motivations matter. That buying food can be involved, involving and interesting and fun and a good thing to do instead of a brain-numbing expensive chore. That people are more than the sum of what they spend. I want to believe that. The truth is out there. But you wouldn’t know it from reading the Guardian. On TV The Prisoner used to scream “I am not a number.” Now it’s being portrayed as quite a fashionable thing to be. As I’ve said before, when all of society is subordinated to being merely consumer units for the biggest retailers, when the ultimate aspiration in life is simply to have the biggest flatscreen on your wall, very little helps.

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Tesco Clubcards, Loyalty & Torture

Joining the dots

One of Tesco’s biggest assets has been its use of the Clubcard, laughingly known as a loyalty card. I say laughingly because if you think it was invented to reward Tesco shoppers, you’re flat wrong. It was invented to make Tesco shoppers buy more, by tracking what they’d already bought. The Guardian ran a story about the Clubcard when the inventors retired in their early 50s in October this year. And like most newspapers, it got parts of the story completely wrong and made-up other parts.

And reader I know, because I was there. Clive Humby, half of Humby Dunn, worked in the same room as me at CACI, before the company distinguished itself by not providing interrogators at Guantanamo Bay, the closest thing to a concentration camp seen in the West since 1945. As the chairman, Jack London, was at great pains to point out, they only provided interrogators in Iraq, not Guantanamo. Iraq was of course where Lynndie England had her fun humiliating captives at Abu Ghraib, so it’s not as if it’s the same kind of place at all.

This ain't about you, buddy. It's about people like you.

What’s this got to do with the price of cheese? Well, quite a lot. This is a picture of Ms Lynndie England, whose boss, Brigadier General Karpinski, said she herself wasn’t even allowed into interrogations because they were run by private contractors. Like CACI, for example. And Lynndie was prably jist funnin’ anyways.

Edwina Dunn and Clive Hunby, the brains behind Clubcard, worked at the UK arm of CACI. And yes, I am aware how fatally easily to think ‘oh, Clive Dunn.’ But don’t. Neither he nor they nor Tesco had anything directly to do with torture, except to people’s waistlines. But let’s join the dots and go over some basics.

Whatever the US branch of CACI got up to, the English version was characterised by stifling jobsworth dullness. It was built chiefly around a product called ACORN which took the Census data, mostly matched it with postcode data and came up with a profile of the lifestyles characterised by spending – it was all in the Census – of the kind of people who lived in a specific postcode. Sort-of. At the time of the Census. Very generally. There used to be a good booklet the company put out explaining how it all worked but then they appointed a Marketing Manager whose first move was to hire herself an assistant (odd, given the year before they hadn’t even needed a Marketing Manager) so there wasn’t any marketing budget left to pay for the booklet, so we had to explain the idea to potential clients without it.

ACORN is still in use, despite the efforts of the Marketing Manager and as you can see from the example for here in Yoxford, aside from the crassness of much of the writing (“holiday homes are popular”) it gives something of an idea of the sociographics of comparative geographies, as we used to say. You put the postcode in, you get the profile out.

But back to the Guardian’s puffery for DunnHumby. I never worked with Mrs Humby, but I remember a major falling out Clive had with the MD over why CACI should pay for his mobile phone, especially as he was bringing-in a quarter of a million pounds per year in revenue, more than anyone other individual in the company. The MD couldn’t see it at all, not least because he didn’t have one, but then he was never known to go and see any clients either.

But dynamic as Clive was, and although quite large he was also a karate black belt, if he left CACI in 1989 then it’s odd he had the falling-out with the MD over a year later, in the office. Anyway, Clive left CACI, the MD patted himself on the back for saving the company the cost of a mobile phone, Dunnhumby rejoiced in one of the ugliest names in history and Clubcard was born. Whether intentionally or not, it appealed to people so vain they probably thought it was about them. It wasn’t and it isn’t.

Clubcard is about selling customers more stuff. It does that by recording what individuals buy and then looking at the combinations of what they bought in the abstract. If people in smaller houses always buy the own-brand pasta and the cheapest ragu sauce then it’s probably time to launch own-brand ragu and do a leaflet drop around the student flats. How do you know the postcodes and addresses for the student flats? Well, that’s yer basic geodemographics, innit? That’s what ACORN does.  That’s all it does. Why do you get more Clubcard points when you buy  more things? Because any data system works better when it’s got more data to sift through, so it can identify more combinations, and test the combinations it sees with more accuracy. It’s not about making the customer happy. It’s about making the shareholders happy.

I didn’t know Clive very well but aside from a very few bright stars like Clive and a few fun drinkers and about two girls with some attitude most of the company were people who thought the civil service was too fast-paced, who’d come to obsess over statistics with like-minded peers. As HummbyDunn said to the Guardian, most companies back then “saw data on their customers as a drain on IT systems,” and judging by the CACI crew of those days, it was easy to see why. I remember six entire man-days spent discussing how to correct a mismatch between two files. The extent of the mismatch affected 60 houses in the whole of Wales. Time well spent, according to CACI. Irrelevant and we’re not paying for that time said the client. Nothing, said the manager who’d devoted six man days to fiddling about with rubbish that didn’t mean anything to anyone.

It’s all the same story. Data mining isn’t about people, or individuals, anymore than supermarket retailing is about good food. It is what it is. Ask Lynndie England. Ask nutritionists, or any GP who’s seen the average patient get fatter and ever more dangerously fatter as they’re more efficiently marketed at.

Very little helps

Anyway Dunnhumby got rich, Tesco got richer, Lynndie England got three years and I’m sitting in the shop on a snow-bound quiet winter afternoon writing this. What do I know? Aside from recognising a huge misapprehension that supermarkets are about good food when I see one. Don’t believe me? Ask the huge people who can’t even stand upright as they wheel their Tesco trolleys around the store. I bet they’ll think it’s all about them, too. But when the individual doesn’t count for anything much, when people quite like not being people anymore and find it suits them to be consumer units instead, when the relationship with food sours like a bitter love affair into just seeing how much of it you can stand before you stop doing it any more, very little helps.

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Yoxford Times Past

Within the last 50 years this village had three butcher shops, a wool shop where Carol and Dave live now, a watchmaker next door to that, which had an oven built into the outside back wall, the Pie Factory, a TV shop and a bicycle shop, along with Horners, the local convenience store and the Post Office.

I’ve been here for nearly nine years and all I’ve ever known here is the junk shop, the hairdressers, a small antiques and curios shop, aside from Horners and the post office. The really useful junk shop has gone now as well. It was joined to a big old eighteenth century house and the man who ran it used to store furniture some people called antique and others called second-hand in a two-storey wooden shack that looked as if it had served as the village slaughterhouse. It had the same cobbled floor inside and the same odd hooks driven into the walls as one in the yard of an old girlfriend’s house in Norfolk; she hated going outside into the yard at night. She was a solid, sensible agency nurse, but she said she felt the animals were still hanging on their hooks, watching her. Whether or not they were, the junk shop house was completely refurbished and put up for sale. It looks great, but it’s not as useful as the junk shop. And it hasn’t sold in over two years, either.

What the Pie Factory was I don’t know, I only heard about that from a customer this morning who told me the Post Office had moved around the village over the years. We used to have a branch of Barclays Bank too, until the cashier had a shotgun shoved in his face one day and Barclays head office decided it was a little too exposed. He wasn’t shot and still works at Barclays, in a slightly bigger branch, but he doesn’t like to be reminded of that day.

Horners, well, as I type this, old Jack Horner the original owner of the general store and open-all-hours shop has just come into ours. And you know who we are by now, don’t you?

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3rd December – We’re still open

Yes, it’s a little bit cold, -3.5 Centifreezes on the car thermometer this morning and the roads around Blaxhall are snowy and icy but that’s what four-wheel drive and your brain are for.

Despite all that, our nutty Polish chickens are still perching outside (yes, they’ve got a perfectly good coop they could go in, but they don’t want to and it upsets them grabbing them out of trees after it gets dark because they can’t see – which is why we can catch them then – and they think they’re going to be killed) so it’s not that bad, is it?

Anyway, we’re open as usual, with fresh bread, hot coffee, my mocha favourite (two scoops of chocolate powder, a bolt of espresso, keep the milk wand in the milk until it hurts the hand holding the metal milk jug, then give it another 3 seconds – that makes it nice and thick), sprinkle with yet more chocolate flakes) and of course, oodles of cheese.

We’ve got two huge cutting vacherin here, along with 4 baby ones untimely ripped from their mother’s cheese room, just waiting for you to take them home, peel a clove of garlic, stuff it through the crust, then bake it for 15 minutes in a hot oven. Oh and don’t forget just a little white wine to get it going runny, but not too much or you’ll just end-up with cheese soup. How much? Well, about 1/4 of a small glass, not much. While you’re waiting the 15 minutes you can practise being witty and entertaining, or if that’s not possible just do the croutons and cut some carrot slices.

So stop making excuses, it’s snowy but life goes on. What do you think they do in Norway? And remember my father’s mournful little rhyme:

It may be cold
It may be chilly
But not as cold as our poor Willy:
He’s dead.

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So it’s snowing

So it's snowing. Don't be such a baby.

Whether or not it’s snowing, we’re open. We’ve just had a telex (yes, I know) from the post office to say that due to the weather there isn’t much technical support today as people can’t get in to the call centres or wherever they do it.

Somehow they manage in Norway, Sweden, Finland, Estonia, Poland, Lithuania, Latvia, Russia and everywhere else where the entire country doesn’t behave like a six year-old girl who’s seen a spider in the bath every time it bizarrely snows in winter.

The shop is open, the post office is open and more importantly, the hot chocolate machine is primed and ready to run. It’s winter. It happens every year. Let it snow.

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Misleading Consumers

Last week a customer came in, bought some cheese and some bread, paid and left.

He bought his cheese in the normal way, the way we always sell cheese. He came to the counter and didn’t know what he wanted because there were 70 odd cheeses there. I might be making this up, but he think he was the one who tried the old “chevre” blarney.

If it’s not French it’s not Chevre.

So we asked him what he liked, cow, sheep or goat, hard or soft cheese, blue or white. It’s almost chosen itself by that time, although all we’re actually doing is narrowing down the options until the customer’s chosen what they want from what seems a bewildering array of different cheeses.

He bought some sweet Dutch goat’s cheese that’s been very popular over the summer. Some people have called it goat cheese for people who don’t like goat cheese, but I think that’s a little unfair; in any event, it’s pleasant and lots of people like it, including this customer when he tried it.

That was in the morning. Towards late afternoon he was back. Some people eat cheese quickly and I’ve known people who come back having eaten all their cheese on the way to thier car, but this chap hadn’t eaten it. He’d gone home and come back because his wife wanted what he’d spent itemised. Assuming he’d only bought two things and to be blunt, he hadn’t been the most memorable customer to date, I unpacked and re-weighed what he’d bought, wrote the prices on the bags and gave them back to him.

By this time I didn’t need it explaining to me that this man had equine rear end written all the way through him like a stick of rock so I was completely expecting the “that’s a lot of money” that duly came. I offered to cut the cheese smaller. No, that wasn’t the issue. He didn’t want to spend less. He wanted to get more, for the same money. After the event.

Maintaining what I thought was a commendable level of civility I bade him good afternoon and he left again.

Next morning, Suffolk County Council’s Trading Standards department showed up, travelling in a pair, as they said, “following a customer enquiry.”

As they also said, they “discussed issues regarding unit pricing.” They suggested I might have it, I suggested I might not because the law doesn’t require me to, because I have a small shop, so the statute law agreed and discussed by Parliament says I don’t have to display the unit price of every single item in my shop. One of them had heard of the unit price exemption and was inclined to agree with me, the other TS enforcer said he’d check it.

But the first rule of local bureaucracy seems pretty clear – compliance with the law isn’t enough. What about Consumer Protection from Unfair Trading Regulations 2008, they said? Eh, what about that then, Mr Bennett? It wasn’t at all clear to me where the unfairness came in, apart from having to dick about re-weighing and itemising thjings I’d sold five hours previously the day before, because it wasn’t exactly a case to tax Sherlock Holmes working out why these two were here.

“To not have prices displayed for cheeses could be considered to be a “misleading ommission,”" they wrote. “Advised prices to be displayed.”

Note the key word “could.” A madman could run down the street killing people with an axe. A crazed sniper could hole-up in Yoxford church tower, taking pot-shots at anyone coming out of Dave Parsons’s garage. An airplane could mistake the A12 for a runway and try to land 150 holidaymakers outside Woodbridge. And telling someone what the price of some cheese is and cutting it to the size they specify could be misleading in some way if there isn’t a shiny plastic label stuck on top the cheese.

I don’t like labels. I don’t like shiny plastic. I don’t like the way they make everything look as if it should have Buy One Get One Free stamped on it. I don’t like the way people start trying to pronounce words they’ve never seen spelled and getting embarassed when you have to point out it’s not really called “Epoysee cheese” when it says epoisse, and I don’t like the silly snobishness that goes with buying labels because Nigel/la said that was a good one in last week’s food section in the paper.

The only cheese people should buy is the cheese they like. The only amount they should buy is the amount they want. But apparently not according to the made-up law of what could be. The Trading Standards guys admitted there was no case law on this, and certainly no statute law. It was just something that someone could say “I was mislead” about. And then however moronic they were shown to be, they’d have to be shown to be in court, at the public expense. Actually that’s not quite right. The public would prosecute me for “misleading” people and a judge would decide whether I had done or not, long after the shop had gone bust trying to pay its legal bills and taking time to go and brief solicitors.

So why don’t I just shut up and buy some labels? Well, I’m going to get some labels but I don’t see why I should shut up about this. I’m certainly not blaming Trading Standards, who have a job to do and an enquiry to do something about; I don’t see how they could not have followed it up, as that’s what they’re there for. But I don’t have to like the way observing the law isn’t enough, especially when the issue was straightforwardly not about misleading anyone in the first place.

The man bought some cheese. He knew how much it was before he paid for it. He knew how much he was getting before he paid for it. He knew both of those things before I even cut the cheese, because I told him.

His wife didn’t like the price when he got home, so instead of suggesting she did the shopping in future, or asking her to mind her own business how much he spent when he was out using his own money, he came back to the shop to get his purchases “itemised.” A pity he didn’t try this stunt in the supermarkets where everything is so clearly labelled that the staff don’t have to know anything about the consumer products on sale, five hours later, because I suspect Kelly-Catrina would have asked if someone could get Dave out of the warehouse to come to checkout four and give her a hand with a customer. But our brave consumer wasn’t in a supermarket so he felt well able to throw his weight around. When our friend told his wife the price again it suddenly became unfair. He’d been mislead. Obvious, isn’t it?

The entire episode made me think of a boy at school. I went to a Church of England primary school in rural Wiltshire and we had a couple of very poor families in every year. In fact one family had children in practically every year, because something was not quite right going on there. It wasn’t just that these kids were a bit smelly, although they were, but that something wasn’t quite right in their heads. We were all promised a school trip to Bristol Zoo one year. In those days Johnny Morris was on TV every week in HTV, pretending he was a zoo keeper and pretending to talk with the animals in the zoo.

"You say you've been mislead, Picky Penguin, because there are no labels and you had to talk to someone instead?"

David Pocock had been to Bristol zoo before and his happy memory took off. When the teacher asked if there were any questions – and in those days, that village CofE school was run pretty much like a military unit – he had several.

“What if a tiger escapes, Miss?” Miss said it wouldn’t. “What if  the hippos had got out last time, Miss?” Miss again said that hadn’t happened, as he knew. “What if the pelicans fly away, Miss?” It was a string of could-have-beens bubbling in his head, this magical world of animals that could have exploded out of Johny Morris’s zoo. I don’t know if he ever joined Trading Standards in later life, but he would have been right at home.

"What if"?

So our goat cheese customer is condemned to spend his days accounting for his pocket money and like quite a few retired people on decent pensions, imagining he’s being cheated at every turn. I don’t know what Johnny Morris would have made of him. But I do hope he comes back so we can explain that he will never be mislead again here. Because he won’t be allowed to buy anything.

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Factory Farms and the Veggie “Alternative”

One of the comments on this blog that wasn’t spam, and also hadn’t “saved MUCH time” that spammers keep thanking me so much for was a vegetarian perspective on factory farming. Unedited, it went like this:

I agree very much with the the view that Country file/Adam Henson are becoming a big disappointment. How can you speak sensitively about a creature you are about to put to death for no other reason than to satisfy the culinary palette.
Instead of intensive farming possibilities how about educating the nation to persue a more beneficial and morally acceptable diet. I muse; what would the cash return and environmental impact for a farmer using an acre of field for inhouse specialist production of ‘real fresh vegeburgers’ as opposed to the production of dead animals.

Now, just to be clear, I didn’t say that Countryfile was becoming a big disappointment, but that was only the first point that needs addressing. The second sentence was nonsense too. Of course anyone can speak sensitively about a creature they are about to kill to eat and it’s much better for all concerned if they do. It isn’t to satisfy “the culinary palette” which presumably has something to do with paint, but in large parts of the world, it’s to survive.

One good thing about animals for food is they don’t go off, so long as they’re alive. Unlike beans or flour or grain they generally don’t go mouldy or get eaten by rats and so long as they’re treated half-way ok can generally be made to go where you want them, which is a good thing if you’re nomadic. One of the things that always amuses me about vegetarians is their insistence that they’re pursuing the ultimate back-to-nature diet, but this is the biggest load of nonsense ever invented. Before we farmed we were nomads. We couldn’t move vegetables around while they were growing. That’s a basic something you can do with almost any animal you might want to eat and in developmental terms, that’s a pretty neat attribute.

I’ve seen far more of the inside of dead animals than I wanted to. I eat meat. When my old cat was very ill recently, seeming to be so ill he would suffer more if I took him to the vet, my biggest fear was that I couldn’t even kill him painlessly. I mean yes, I have a 12 bore, and he wouldn’t know anything much about that, but it’s really going to mess-up the sofa a bit, isn’t it? One of the things about the place where until yesterday we parked the cheese trailer at The Wild Meat Company was the rails full of deer carcasses hanging there in the cold light of early morning.

We’d be out early at around 6am if it was a hideously early winter festival, which meant going into the cold rooms at the Wild Meat Co. when there was no-one else there, just the empty deer carcasses hanging there and a few pools of blood on the floor. It’s pretty sobering, seeing how big the hole inside animals is, once the heart and lungs and intestines, all the things that make them and us work, once they’re all out.

Everyone who eats meat should see this at least once. Until you have, you haven’t got the right to talk about sensitivity and animals in the same breath, because I’m talking about an animal like the two that bolted across the track in front of my car this evening, jinking from one snowy field to the next, while you’re talking about Bambi.

If you want to feed the whole world then yes, growing animals isn’t the way to do it. It’s completely and obviously true that growing plants to eat would be far more efficient than growing plants for animals to eat so we can eat the animals. But that’s where we are. Almost all these animals wouldn’t even exist if we hadn’t grown them to eat.

If we all became vegetarian tomorrow there wouldn’t be hoards of fluffy ba-lambs frolicking, nor the six jolly russet Tamworths I saw in a friend’s field yesterday. In about six months three are going to slaughter; the other three are being crossed with Norfolk pigs which he found had a great taste but too much fat. He’s doing what people have done for millennia – taking the best bits of one animal and blending it with another, to eat. If they weren’t for eating, there wouldn’t be any point in doing any of this at all.

As for the moral acceptability, well, it’s morally acceptable to me to eat animals, so I don’t know whose morality we’re talking about here, or why I’m going to accept it as better than mine. Or frankly, even interesting as a concept. The biggest problems always start when one group of people get it into their heads that other people are following the wrong rules. And had better be put to death before their beliefs are put to the test in the afterlife, if I’ve got this right. It’s perfectly possible I haven’t. But I’m not the one taking the moral high-ground here.

For me though the biggest joke, the most fatal flaw in all this veggie moralising is in the last line. I’m going to leave the “I muse” thing completely out of it. But “real fresh veggieburgers”?

If you’re a vegetarian, just why in the name of why would you want your food to emulate the meat you claim is morally unacceptable to eat? Why would anyone who thought they were morally better eating vegetables want to put a vegetarian burger, or even , carrots forbid, a veggie sausage inside them? It’s ludicrous. It’s so much better to be veggie, and that’s why veggies want their food to look like meat.

Is it me, or what?

(And before you ask, my old cat is just fine. He didn’t collapse at all. He just pretended to, because his claws had grown too long and were digging into his feet.  We got them cut and he was back to normal in a day).

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You Never Know

One of the old boys who was a customer of ours at Woodbridge told me about all the local farms and quite a few of the houses making cheese, back before the war, as he called it, putting that story in the 1930s. After the war he stayed working around the area, where he’d been all his life. He never bought much cheese from us, but we got something far more valuable from him, the stories of his time here.

We had the big floods here in 1953 and he helped repair the river banks on the Alde and the Ore then. While he was doing that one day, out near The Mount at Boyton, he saw an American aircraft crashing. There were a lot of American airbases here then. Until 1945 there was Framlingham, Leiston, Woodbridge, Bentwaters and Debach all within five miles of my house, with Beccles, Bungay and Harleston just a bit further off. They all went even more suddenly than they’d arrived as soon as the big war ended, but in 1953 there were still American jets flying out of Bentwaters and Woodbridge, right here, as well as Lakenheath and Mildenhall north of here.

What he also saw was the pilot, floating down on a parachute, unconscious. Without a helmet. Our old boy and his mate ran over and got him out of his harness and carried him still unconscious to Moat Farm. A short while later more Americans turned up at the farm and took the pilot away.

Without a word. Without thanks, in almost complete silence, he said. That’s not like any American airforce men I’ve ever met. It wasn’t like any USAF crews he’d ever met either, he said. Maybe he shouldn’t have been there? Maybe he should never have been in that aircraft? And why didn’t he have a helmet?

“Well,” said our old boy after a bit. “You never know, do you?”

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It isn’t just milk

Milk isn’t just boring old white stuff in the fridge. You’re drinking it. So it’s important to know where it’s from.

All our milk, yoghurt and cream in our shop comes from the Marybelle Dairy, in Walpole. They gather the milk from just four herds:

An MRI cow making milk for you.

Holsteins and friesians at Rendham.

Meusse, Rhine, Issel (MRI) cows at Walpole.

Friesians at Alderby.

Holsteins near Bungay.

These are all small herds of between 50 and 70 cows living where they should – in a field, not in a factory.

Next time you pick-up a pint from us remember: you’re not just drinking mi

Holsteins in a field near you.

lk: you’re supporting a sustainable environment and a local economy.

Now, does that taste better?

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The Day of Destruction

Anne, preparing the tasting tray at Halesworth Summer Food Festival

We bought the original cheese trailer almost three years ago to this day, on November 28th, 2007. We destroyed it on November 29th, 2007.

We’d gone to Hadleigh Market, one of the coldest places in East Anglia, along a hideously windy narrow road that goes up hill and down what passes for dales around here, with a couple of tight bends and reverse camber corners thrown in for good measure. We arrived in the dark to be open at 8am, which meant getting up at 4:15 so as to be at the yard where the trailer was stored in Framlingham by 5:30 and rolling as soon as I managed to hitch the trailer. Once it took 20 minutes byh the time I’d lined up the van, backed up, got it wrong, did it again, found the trailer was too low for the towhook, got back in the van to drive it forward a couple of inches so I could wind up the trailer jockey wheel till it was above the hook, get back in the van, reverse a couple of inches, find it was a couple of inches off to the right, then to the left, then finally, finally drop the cup of the trailer hitch dead over the towing hook.  Then plug the electric plug in so the trailer has some lights, put the hazard flashers on in the van, walk around the trailer to check they’re all on, front offside, back lighjts, back indicators, front nearside, then connect the breakaway cable so if the trailer jumps off the tow-hook the cable will put the brake on and maybe it won’t kill a coachload of people as it careers across the A12 on its own.

It’s cold in November at half past five in the morning. I saw it colder later, in February, when the car thermometer driving up the lane to Wickham Market red minus four in the darkness. Not that cold this day, but cold enough while the nightingale sang in the sodium glare of the yard lights. A beautiful, unexpected sound tha morning, and other, later, colder mornings.

Our first day out on our own. Hadleigh was a different market then, with its own collection of treasured and not-so-treasured customers, a judge, some self-described artists, a chef, some extremely well-heeled folk who adored Montbriac, the occasional cheese babe (these are very, very occasional indeed) and an old man who we came to know later, who’d taken off in a Lancaster bomber in 1943 and came home only after the camp where he was held prisoner of war was liberated after D-Day. He had a business his wife robbed blind during the 1950s and ws still bitter about it half a century later. But we didn’t know that then.

What we also didn’t know then was how tired we were going to get, and cold after our first day. It was a pretty good day too, we thought as we unplugged the electric cable, coiled it up and stowed it in the trailer, took the trays and things off the fold-out counter, folded that upright and dropped the top serving hatch shut, emptied the hot water boiler, cleaned the knives and boards, cleared everything off the surfaces, wiped down the cutting table and the top of the chiller, mopped the floor and locked the door, hooked up, notso difficult this time and pull the trailer clear, off the pavement, slowly over the curb so as not to jolt everything about and down to the carpark, turn left, end of the road left and then, instead of going back the way we came, because we were tired, we turned right, instead of left and back through the centre of Hadleigh.

Instead we went through the old part of the town, out along the winding B-road that leads more quietly to the A12. We took it fairly slowly, going rund the tight corners, letting other drivers pass where they could, giving way rather than standing on until the hill where the road narrows and turns sharply right at the top. We took the corner and I saw in the nearside side mirror the whole trailer disintegrate in silent slow-motion.

The hatch. We hadn’t latched the hatch shut. So when we went round the tight, righthand corner centrifugal force, inertia and all the rest of that stuff I hadn’t worried about since Year Three Physics opened the serving hatch just a few feet before we reached the corner of a house. The hatch hit the house and as the man said, the house didn’t die, it died.

We had a couple of thousand pounds worth of cheese in a chiller in a shattered trailer with two walls of it hanging off in the road and the back torn off, 20 miles from home.

We survived, the house was ok, the insurance eventually, after squirming and lying and insinuating as much as they could paid up as little as they could. A complete stranger came out of his house and helped us get the shattered trailer into his garden, so we could get it off the road until a low-loader truck could come and pick it up. And we still got to Easton Farmers Market the next morning, albeit without a trailer, a chiller and short of a lot of cheese.

It wasn’t a good lesson, but it was a lesson. Take care of yourself. Don’t push yourself too hard. Remember you can get tired and when you do you’ll make mistakes. And however bad it seems, it will get better. It really will.

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Pub Menus

Writing this I’m excepting the pub menu in the village, which disproves my Pub Food Golden Rule: the more things there are on a pub menu, the worse all of them will be cooked.

The nearest pub, an otherwise ideal 100 yards away, manages to have almost nothing on the menu and cook that abominably as well. They avoid the very worst sign of all, anything called “Thai Green” anything. It’s as clear an indicator that you’re not going to get a peaceful, relaxing meal with good food in a good atmosphere as the girl at your table with a bandolier full of tequila shots at a 1980s TexMex place in Leicester Square.

It can be done, it’s perfectly possible to do imaginative good food in a pub, without fourteen thousand sauces and 27 types of curry on the menu. Quite why curry would ever be on a pub menu, other than to say “we can’t cook” along with “oh, and no, we don’t know where the food came from, apart from the wholesaler” is unclear anyway.

It might be me, but I don't recognise this part of Suffolk at all.

So I was looking forward to the pub food roundup in the local county magazine this month. One pub looked even worth a pilgrimage, when it was explained that while many pubs have “local food” as a mantra (that must have been the sound I heard that Saturday when the rugby was on) , this one pub in particular claimed local food as its watchword, passion, raison d’etre, joie de vivre, toad in the hole and everything else.

Which didn’t really explain why they had not one but two types of salmon on the menu. This is Suffolk. We don’t do salmon. In fact, while the Stour is clean these days and there was a rumour someone pulled a sea trout out of the Alde on a small spinner the summer before last near Snape Bridge – naturally, you can’t really find-out where because whoever it was almost certainly didn’t have a game fish licence (available at Yoxford Post Office now, by the way), we don’t have any salmon in any river anywhere near here. At all.

The nearest salmon would be either up north of Hull, about 300 miles away, on down in Hampshire, on the Test, almost as far. Not really my idea of local. But a very clear sign that the chef doesn’t know what he’s talking about. And not what I want in my local, or anywhere else.

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False Traditions

Watching the Edwardian Farm on TV last night I remembered growing up in Wiltshire, visiting family in Somerset and having an Edwardian landscape all around me. My grandparents live in Nailsea, about 15 miles and many years southwest of Bristol. The village was changing all around me and our family seemed balanced on the blade edge of the changes. Looking at Google Earth today I can’t recognise any of the streets I walked along then; the village is a town, roundabouts have swept landmark buildings away and the back lane to Tickenham across the moor looks like not the best place to allow seven year-olds to play unsupervised if they aren’t going to end-up as bonnet ornaments. Ducks used to swim in the ditches alongside the lane on the moor.

The sanitised idyll. Not mentioning repeated childbirth, typhoid, scarlet fever and death from lockjaw, which killed my great-uncle.

My uncle found some boys with an old gun along the gravel track that joined the lane and took it off them, for their own safety, he said. My uncle had a direct way with young people that would have seen him in jail today and was borderline even then. He was quite Edwardian himself. He once beat some boys senseless when he thought one Bonfire Night that they were going to put bangers through my grandmother’s letterbox. When he was done he recognised one of them as his wife’s young brother, who was dropping in to see if the old lady was alright.

Mad as a bag of cats though he may have been, Uncle Leonard was the face of change in our family. My grandmother survived my grandfather after they’d retired from running their pub, The Bird In Hand and lived in a freezing cold stone house out on the western edge of the old village, towards Clevedon. Just across the new road, with drains and kerbs and everything was my uncle’s house, that came with his job as driver for the slaughterhouse owned by the other family in the village, the Bakers. According to the vicar the Bakers and the Summerells had divided the village up years ago and it changed hands between them every few decades. Until the 1970s, when the Bakers stopped the game forever by selling the farmland for new Abigail’s Party houses, the ones there today and not now so new anymore. It was a big house they’d given him though, brand new, with a false wrought-iron balcony outside the big bedroom window, a double garage, lawns and a wooden fence, the whole Dallas in Somerset rig-out. My aunt used to hear a game of tennis going on when she was thinking of nothing, and half-saw the shadow of tennis balls in flight past the big window in the kitchen when she was washing up.

Quite why the Bakers paid a lorry driver like this and set him up in a big new four-bedroomed house is a mystery to this day, but they did. I met Mr Baker once when I was on holiday there, helping my uncle on his wagon. He was having his tea, as I called it, but this took the form of a roast chicken and a bottle of beer. This struck me as an unimaginable level of hard-earned luxury, especially during the week. He was obviously so rich he didn’t just eat chicken on Sundays. There was a palpable feeling of energy and change in the air then. Big new trucks filled the slaughterhouse yard driving past a big long stone shed that had been some kind of factory, because it had the rusty axles and drive wheels for a power system still fixed into the roof. Not an electrical power system; this went back to the days when factories had a steam boiler that turned a wheel that drove a belt that turned another wheel that drove a drive-shaft that ran the length of the roof. Whatever it was that needed power was driven off belts from the drive-shaft. It was literally a different world. I was told not to go in there because it wasn’t safe and it probably wasn’t, with no floor and only habit and the rusty iron drive shafts keeping the walls upright, but I preferred being in the old Edwardian factory, whatever it was, to the bright glare of the slaughterhouse yard. Eventually my uncle bought my grandmother’s house, she moved into sheltered accommodation that was small and hot-house heated and she was happier than she’d been since she was a young girl until she died, about ten years later.

Before that, before she moved out of her cold old house, I drove her back across the Mendips from our house where she’d been staying. I was about 18 and being about 18 I didn’t really know how old she was.

A Renault Six, but not ours. Ours was white.

We had a Renault Six, a weirdly quirky good car with the gear-lever on the dashboard that suited me to the ground.

From Trowbridge to Nailsea you go down past my school and out onto the Wingfield Road, along over the moor where there used to be highwaymen years ago like, as my uncle would have said, along the side of the river into Farleigh Hungerford then left at the top of the hill, past the castle. Then on to Midsummer Norton, the real place, where no-one ever gets murdered and on out, down the hill, through the hamlet of two houses and the haunted pub, Tuckers Grave, where the ashtrays used to move around the tables when you weren’t looking, out past the cheese farm on the top, over the crossroads and on into deep Mendip, the hard country where the stone breaks through the ground dotted with Roman lead mines and all the road signs are gone, taken away in the big war to confuse the Germans, if they’d ever had a need to visit Stanton Drew or go down the gorge at Burrington Combe, where John Wesley wrote Rock of Ages in a thunderstorm, where there’s a huge cave just right there at the side of the road, where I liked to pretend Red Indians were just at the top of the canyon rim when I was small, where two younger, un-warlike German tourists were killed when they pitched their tents under an unstable cliff one summer.

Then you’re out at the bottom of the gorge, onto the flat meadows running down to Nailsea and Clevedon and the sea. I hadn’t really ever talked to my grandmother before that trip, when she told me about riding down these same roads before she was married, riding pillion on my grandfather’s motorcycle, around about 1920. He was just too young to go to the Great War. Luckily for him. By the time of the second war to end all wars he was 38 and already had eight of his nine children to provide for, so once again the call of the bugle passed him by; the War Office exempted him from service because it would cost them too much if he got killed with so many children.

It was the first time I’d ever had any idea of my grandmother as a real person, the girl on the back of that old motorcycle, chilled and wrapped up in a raincoat on a summer’s day riding the lanes I’d ridden, along the same roads, all that time ago, so long back that I could only think of it in black and white, seeing the grandmother I’d never seen, a girl only a bit older than me, nearly 70 years before.

Florence May Summerell, my grandmother, around about 1920.

There was something about that place, something about that imagined time that’s always attracted me. It gets in the blood and for years I thought that if only I could find the right leather soled boots, the right moleskins, the right shape of cap or twist of neckerchief that golden Edwardian past would rise up around me, the time when they’d invented railways and aircraft but not yet the country-smashing mass-produced car.

I wasn’t the only person with this infection, as the TV programme clearly showed. Years later I was in Dorset, staying with a friend while her non-marriage disintegrated like a building being demolished around us that week. Her idiot partner, already ex-partner in his mind but weeks before he had the guts to say so, had stumbled onto rather than launched a cider business. He went to pubs selling it, his mate in another stone barn made it.

Dorset farmyard, just down the road from my friend's house, apart from the phone line and kerb-stones, still the same as in Edwardian times.

I went over to have a look. His mate showed me the cider press he was restoring, made in Bristol in 1946. Originally it had its own little engine to power it, but now it ran on electricity. Other than that it was the same as the day just after the war when the juice was first crushed out of the cider cheese.

He gave a big speech about how the big brewers added chemicals to speed the fermentation up and get the units out of the warehouse to market, then other chemicals to slow it down in case the barrels burst and the product investment was wasted. Some of them, he hinted, added chemicals to give the customer a headache, just to let them know this was pretty strong stuff they were drinking. The fashionable cider at the time was Red Rock and you could believe it had headache chemical in it, along with Saturday morning remover chemical added-in to the mix. He didn’t do any of that, he said. He wanted to make his cider the old way; local apples, local press, local customers.

And that was about where the tradition ended.

He was using man-sized plastic orange juice barrels from Israel instead of casks. The apples were all local, but the local apples were bitter, too bitter for modern tastes he thought, so he added some sweetener. I asked what kind of sugar was best, but it wasn’t sugar he was using at all, only saccharin. Good old carcinogenic, metallic tasting, gives-you-a-cracking headache sulphonamide-based saccharin. Don’t believe me? Read about it here. Why saccharin? It was cheaper than sugar.

So that was another tradition gone to where old dreams go. We can’t get the past back, we can’t get the majority eating local food, we can’t ride out on an antique motorcycle with my grandmother in that suddenly chilly summer evening 90 years ago, anymore than we can live in those Edwardian summers before the Maxims and Vickers guns scythed down the tallest of the crop in Flanders fields.

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Cheese from Britain

Someone told me the other day that Britain now has more cheeses than France. If it’s true then it’s good for us and a tragedy for the French.

If you want to know about the huge range of cheeses made in Britain have a look at the Cheese from Britain website. It’ll tell you a huge amount. You can ask me the rest, any time.

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James Aldridge – crushing a cheese butterfly on a wheel

Cheeses were there when I was a small boy, but not very many of them. There was Edam, which was there for Saturday lunch, a ludicrously cod-formal affair when we all had to gather round the table when my father condescended to join us, when we’d eat weird, Beano comic foods he liked, like boiled ham and yellow pease pudding, or what I came to call British Salad.

British Salad was why people preferred scurvy. Two bits of lettuce, a slice of ham, Edam cheese, a halved tomato and bread. If you were very unlucky you’d get pickled beetroot too. That was it. The only way you could make that palatable was by slathering on Pan-Yan pickle, Branston chutney and salad cream. Olive oil was what they sold in the chemist for ear aches and dressings were what they used in hospital. Edam was not one of the cheeses I liked.

I found cheese, or cheese found me, when I found St Albans market. There was a goat cheese maker there and his cheeses were good, but to fill his chiller cabinet he needed more cheese. I used to buy from him every time we had a dinner party and most Saturdays anyway, for a treat. The cheese that really did it for me was and is Saval, the show stopper, the one that at one dinner party I took it to, no-one wanted any of the other cheeses at all. It’s a washed rind cheese and it was made by a man who helped rebuild the British cheese industry, James Aldridge.

He was born in 1939, became a mechanic and a scaffolder, crushed a disc in his spine in a scaffolding accident and looked for a new way to make a living. His partner Pat Robinson was running a cheese shop my father would have been happy in, selling hard cheddar, Danish “feta” and Welsh “mozarella” when he joined in 1981.

He read a lot and visited a lot and talked to a lot of cheesemakers when he went to track down new suppliers for their new shop. In 1989 he made the decision to make and sell his own cheeses. Without external tuition he created Tornegus, one of our biggest sellers in Yoxford, at the first go.

Buying-in unpasteurised Caerphilly cheese from Chris Duckett in Somerset then introducing a bacterium, R. lincus, spreading it over the young cheese with an English white wine brine, repeating the procedure every few days for seven weeks before finishing it with a scatter of lemon verbena and mint. It becomes unlike any Caerphilly you’ve ever tasted, creamy, deep, pungent and sometimes almost wet.

Next he made Celtic Promise, using a Teifi cheese made in Wales by Patrice Savage, washed with cider. The cutting version of the cheese, the one we sell by the slice, was called Saval: Sav from Savage, Al from Aldridge. Strictly speaking, maturing and changing cheeses isn’t cheese-making but a process the French call affinage, but he went on to produce over 30 cheeses himself.

He collected the milk from local suppliers himself, started making on Friday and finished in the early hours of Saturday morning, telling a local journalist “a good cheese needs to be handled by the same person all down the line. A different hand will produce a different cheese.” He was very precise: “Every single second, every time you move your finger, you do something different, so every gesture should be as inch-timed and constant as can be.”

Although it all sounds a bit rough diamond hands-on, there was nothing left to chance in his cheese making and he made meticulous notes of the acidity, temperature, size of the particles, even of the number of holes in the mould, claiming “That’s why I can often get there in three tries, while it might take someone else years.”

He made beautiful cheese, with passion and science and a thorough knowledge of the bureaucracy of Environmental Health and food safety legislation. None of which helped him when Tessa Jowell’s public health department needed to cover their backs in court using public money to protect their reputation for infallibility.

In 1998 one case of E.coli poisoning was traced to a batch of Duckett’s Caerphilly cheese, the cheese James Aldridge used, if you’ve been paying attention, as the base for Tornegus. The same type of cheese rather, not the same batch. Before any of this happened Aldridge had started transforming seven tons of it into Tornegus.

Because of the E.coli outbreak, on 20th May 1998 Tessa Jowell as public health minister, signed the first Emergency Control Order under the 1990 Food Safety Act. This put a nationwide ban on any cheese produced by Duckett’s.

Aldridge’s seven tons had previously been checked and found safe by council health officials. In June, Jowell mistakenly told the House of Commons that Aldridge’s cheese and the infected cheese had come from the same batch. This is the sort of mistake that smashes lives. It smashed James Aldridge’s. Naturally there were no negative consequences for Tessa Jowell.

Aldridge was stuck with £50,000 of unsaleable cheese, no compensation and in late summer his fridge packed up and as engineers refused to come and expose themselves what was officially contaminated cheese, even though it hadn’t been until then, it was rotting and smelling in an unplanned way. Mr Justice Popplewell in the High Court himself said he could see no reason why the cheese should not be destroyed, as it was no longer required as evidence.

Local magistrates with their several weeks of training felt however that they had a much firmer grasp of the law than any High Court judge and refused to order the destruction of the cheese. And without the destruction order, no compensation. So in August Aldridge applied for the High Court to void Tessa Jowell’s order and rule that she had acted unlawfully and out of administrative expediency, which the High Court was minded to do and did in November.

Aldridge’s cheese, let’s remember, had nothing wrong with it until his fridge broke down, not just as his opinion but in the opinion of the Envionmental Health Officers who had checked it. The Department of Health was out of pocket, but what they did next must have cost a lot more in legal fees than they ever hoped to save by not paying out in compensation. They appealed in summer 1999 and Lord Justice Bingham and his colleagues ruled that Jowell and her officials had been motivated by their perception, however mistaken, of imminent danger to the public health.

In other words the court found the DoH was wrong, but it was wasn’t really wrong because it thought it was right. So the DoH won, Aldridge lost, face was saved in Westminster and James Aldridge had the wreckage of a business and massive legal costs. He died in 2001. In government of course, actions don’t always have consequences.

James Aldridge’s cheeses are still made. He sometimes gave away recipes if he thought people were interested enough. We sell a lot of Lord of the Hundreds, a ewe’s milk cheese made near Lewes, a lot of Tornegus now and quite a lot of Saval. It smells, bluntly, like a farmyard floor but the taste is sublime, earthy, deep, rich and lasting, with almost something of roasted squash about it. It’s a taste you’ll remember and come back to forever. In a way James Aldridge lives on, having achieved far more than a politician who chose to use public money to destroy a private citizen who proved in court that she made a mistake.

Some people just don’t like admitting they were wrong. And some find a way to punish people who find-out.

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The Cheese Before

Daniel Defoe, as any 1960s schoolchild with a taste for mournful repetitive music and not-quite lip-synched overdubbing knows, wrote Robinson Crusoe. I never understood why Robinson was so sad, living on a desert island in fantastic weather and having adventures every week. In Trowbridge the weather was always pretty much the same summer or winter, always overcast because of the clouds coming in up the Bristol Channel, a silvery glare that left me with a permanent crease on my forehead by the time I was 20. Whether my own silvery glare was the reason not many adventures came my way until I was about 18 was never clear to me.
What I didn’t know when I was watching the ungrateful Robinson Crusoe basking in the sun without a Wiltshire cloud in sight was that Daniel Defoe also wrote A Tour Through England & Wales, published in 1722. It’s an unimaginably long time ago, through an England where the industrial revolution, dark satanic mills, smoke, coal and steam engines, railways, trams and the British Empire, absolutely none of any of that had happened at all.
It was a journey through a lost England, which isn’t to say it was an England where nothing ever happened. There might have been no railways but people traveled, often by boat as it was quicker and in some senses safer than going anywhere by road. You can walk at 4mph, but most people can’t do that all day and 20 miles would be the outside of practical endurance for most people. That makes it five whole days to London from this part of Suffolk. On a boat, you can do it in a day if you leave with the morning tide and arrive the next morning.

Defoe’s journey was a circle, anti-clockwise mostly following the coast, starting out from London. Going out through Essex and remarking on the “marsh-fed” cattle, he came to Ipswich, then to Woodbridge and if I read it right, took ship there to Orford.
Woodbridge has nothing remarkable but that it is a considerable market for butter and corn to be exported to London;” he wrote, calling the land round about there High Suffolk, “which being a rich soil is …wholly employed in dayries; and again famous for the best butter and the worst cheese in England. The butter is barreled or often pickled up in small casks and sold not in London only, but I have known a firkin of Suffolk butter sent to the West Indies and brought back to England again, and it has been perfectly good and sweet as at first. The port for the shipping off their Suffolk butter is chiefly Woodbridge, which for that reason is full of corn-factors and butter factors, some of whom are very considerable merchants.”
I’m guessing he went by ship, because the part of Suffolk he’s describing south of Woodbridge is better known as a blasted wasteland of heath, good for gorse and broom, but not used for grazing anything there now. Either the land has changed beyond recognition, or he just heard about the land there from someone else, and got his locations confused. That’s my theory, anyway.
Further round the coast he arrived at Dunwich, which even then was hundreds of years past its prime and mostly fallen into the sea. Defoe put this down to Time’s cycle, “this I must confess seems owing to nothing but the fate of things, by which we see that towns, kings, countries, families and persons all have their elevation, their medium, their declination and even their destruction in the womb of time.”
Yet, Dunwich however ruined retains some share of trade, as particularly for the shipping off of butter, cheese and corn.” It must have changed a lot since then. The old port is now the car park where the fish & chip shop is, separated from the beach by a high wall of shingle and the river that gave the town its port flows out of Southwold’s harbour, five miles up the coast.
Agriculturally a lot has changed here as well. All around Halesworth, Saxmundham, Debenham, “all standing in the east of Suffolk, the whole country is employ’d in dairies, or in feeding of cattle.”
This part of England is also remarkable to being the first where the feeding and fattening of cattle with turnips was first practised in England. And though some have objected against the goodness of the flesh thus fed with turnips and fansied it would taste of the root yet upon experience ’tis found that at market there is no difference nor can they that buy single out one joynt of mutton from another by the taste.”
It may be that cows or sheep fed on turnips produce meat that tastes the same as animals grazing on grass all year; it certainly isn’t the case with cheese. One of our local cheeses is notorious for tasting of nothing but turnips in February and March. It might be historic; it isn’t that pleasant.
Why was Suffolk famous for the best butter and the worst cheese in England? Because the farmers had a quick route to market in London down the coast and even then had cash-flow issues forcing them to go for the quick return. You can make butter in a day. You can make cheese in a day too as I have, to see what it’s like and many farms did, but it won’t taste of much. If it’s a traditional, deeply flavoured cheese, it’ll take more like a year. So make butter instead of cheese and skim the milk to get as much of the fat into the butter as possible. What’s left can still be made into cheese but it’ll be rock hard. And fat is one of the things that makes cheese, or anything else, taste good.
I found out Daniel Defoe lived for a time in Lowestoft and there was talk he was a spy, although I’ve never understood who he would have been spying for. Last time I stumbled across him was literally that, finding his name on a plaque on the Gateshead shore of the Tyne where I was taking the air one dark night, by the little church just along from the Tyne Bridge.  He lived there as well. Newcastle and Gateshead must have changed a little since Defoe was there.
Change always produces an effect. It might be good or bad or both. But change can also produce things you didn’t expect at all, in food, in life and in Dunwich.

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Closing & Opening

The new Sole Bay cheese counter at Yoxford Post Office

At last, officially Anne takes over as Sub-Postmistress at Yoxford Post Office on Tuesday. At 09:15 Tuesday morning we’re having a send-off for David Turley, who has run the post-office there for the last seven years.

Loose tea and coffee, ground to order at Yoxford Post Office - this will stay.

With any luck at all the coffee machine arrives today, Monday, after weeks of Paddy & Scott arrangements. The chairs are delivered today as well maybe, after they were supposed to be delivered last Wednesday. The antiques bloke will drop them off on the school run, provided he remembers this time, all ready for tomorrow.

Because tomorrow, Tuesday 16th, from 0900 onwards, we’re having a party. The East Anglian are there, Look East might be there, BBC Radio Suffolk are there and lots of local people are coming to the post office to celebrate the good news. Our post office is closing. But after they’ve counted the stamps and closed the till and shut down the computer system, it reopens again. And the shop reopens too, more than a little different, with the Sole Bay Cheese deli counter and hopefully, a coffee shop as well.

If you can make it, please come along any time in the day and help us celebrate  a new post office, a new village shop and a new community hub in rural Suffolk. Let’s make that an everyday story of country folk in future.

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Tesco Wars

I went swimming on half-day closing day and stopped at the butcher’s on the way home. This is, after all, an everyday story of country folk. Sadly, I drove instead of riding my recycled Pashley post-bike, but it would have been a 30 mile day and frankly, it’s freezing.

Word on the street – or at least in the butcher’s – is that Tesco have decided they don’t want to be in Saxmundham, smack bang next to Waitrose, after all. Instead, they’re trying to build a new supermarket in Leiston. The butcher, unsurprisingly, isn’t happy. Nor was another customer, who thought what Leiston really needs is a decent market.

Double-heading. Oh, for heaven's sake.

I don’t know what Leiston really needs, but a Tesco – or to be fair to Tesco – any other supermarket, is going to kill what’s left of the town stone dead. It was an industrial town and yes, there were some in very rural areas like this, the same as there are in Yorkshire. The industry was Garrett’s engineering works, whose narrative ark would make a Mike Leigh film on their own. From nothing they became steam engine makers who along with Burrell in Thetford powered the mechanisation of agriculture.  They made double-ended steam railway engines that were exported as far away as South Africa. They made aeroplanes in the First World War, were bombed by a Zeppelin and built and mounted their own artillery around the town to defend it in the Second World War. Leiston is within walking distance of the coast and there are some strange tales about people who might have been German on the beach when they ought not to have been. But to cut to the chase, after the First War things began going wrong. The company kept on making steam things. Lorries, then boilers, losing ground perfecting nineteenth century technology right up until the end in 1982, when they finally, pathetically, produced probably the world’s best, fastest-heating steam boiler. I think they made five and sold one to a dry cleaner before like a lot of British industry, they went bust.

When a manufacturing town loses its manufacturing you have a problem. Sizewell power station was built just a mile or two up the road and while Greenpeace might have hated it the local workforce thought it was great. But you can’t build a power station for ever. By the mid-1990s Leiston had gone from a major manufacturing town to a little place in the fields with an unemployment problem and a gritty little heroin scene.

But what it also had and still has is independent shops.  This isn’t a big place we’re talking about, but apart from the Co-Op there are two independent butchers, one of them a game dealer and the other doing a good line in additional deli products such as paprika paste, a good if slightly batty greengrocer’s where you shop for free-range local eggs, apples and celery to a near-constant loop of 1940s swing music and the occasional thwumping noise as the owner belts a hanging punchbag in the store room ( I think it’s a customer stress reduction technique), a sweetshop and newsagents, a bakery, a shop that sells radios and TVs and a pet shop.

If Tesco get planning permission and open up in Leiston, every one of those shops will go. It won’t be a case of more choice for consumers, because without those shops there won’t be any choice except the choice you’re permitted by Tesco. And those shops will go out of business, because no independent can compete on price with supermarkets when they sell bread at a loss, for example, or demand that producers fund their sales promotions for them. Some people argue that there’s a need for cheaper food – but those people aren’t the starving in the Third World who really need it. They won’t ever be getting it anyway. We’ve seen where cheaper food prices really get us so many times – poorer farmers and an obesity epidemic of fat consumers.

You might have other views. However you feel about it, if you want to see what plans Tesco have for Leiston, there’s a meeting about it there on Thursday night.

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Settling In

Anne Kennedy, Yoxford's new Sub-Post-Mistress

It’s one week since the new chiller arrived so we could put a huge range of cheese into Yoxford Post Office. The experience taught me some things I didn’t know about chillers. They don’t all grunt, for a start, unlike the one we’ve trundled around Suffolk for the last three years in the fabulous cheese trailer.

New cheeses for Yoxford, at the Post Office now.

The only snag is I can’t get all the cheeses I’m used to into this space, so there is some spillover into the two additional upright chillers which have been full of eggs, which shouldn’t be in the fridge anyway because the cold makes the yolks crack.

Naturally, we’re only stocking free range eggs and equally naturally, I had a talk with the man from the farm. Talking to someone who knows and cares is still the only way you can really know anything about the food you’re going to eat. We’re going to get some of his quail eggs and duck eggs too, just in time for cake making.  Quail eggs are a bit fiddly, admittedly, but nice if you have the time, with some crispy bacon.

Loose tea and coffee, ground to order at Yoxford Post Office - this will stay.

I put up a board outside saying cheese, coffee and wi-fi coming soon the very first morning, November 1st, and within 10 minutes I was having to explain that soon meant not yet. Which was encouraging. Ever since, people have been asking when they can get coffee. There is untapped demand, which has made me really reflect on the cycle of decline in a lot of rural areas

So it’s nearly set-up. Anne takes over as Sub Post Mistress on Wednesday and tomorrow I’m taking the cheese trailer to Woodbridge Market for what may be the last time. Someone’s interested in buying that part of the business and I hope they do, not least because there has been cheese at Woodbridge Market for over 30 years so far. A lot of the customers are considerably old and I hope whoever does take it on has some time for them. It’s an important part of what we’ve done over the past three years.

Do I miss the market? Well, I don’t miss getting up early in the rain and I don’t miss the time-wasters who think anything in a market has to be cheap rubbish. I really don’t like that attitude at all. I will miss the friendships we’ve built up with customers and other stall holders, and the real sense there is on markets that we’re all in it together.

Come and see us. Doing the Christmas post with coffee, cake or some cheese in the warm is going to be a lot more civilised.

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Factory Farms & False Markets

One of the comments on the Factory Farm post the other day was from a North Country lamb and beef producer. Unless I’ve misunderstood it and quoting him, his position was this:

The global market calls for cheap food and lots of it to feed the population. The only efficient way to produce lots of food is to intensify farming practices. I run Suckler Cattle from which I intensively finish the bulls and run the heifers as breeding stock. These leave very little profit for me to raise my young family with, therefore the deficit in the bank is made up from my subsidy payments. I also take bull calves from several local dairy units and intensively finish them. These leave a reasonable profit without using the SFP. Therefore if the government in the UK was to cut all subsidies to producers the only option left to the farmers who remain in business is to intensify production to factory farms.

It all looks reasonable and I can certainly see his economic point of view. But the logic is shot to pieces. Let’s have a look at the points one by one.

We need lots of food to feed the world.

This one is a bit like the old guy who’s asked the way to somewhere and says “you can’t get there from here.” If you want to feed the world efficiently you don’t start feeding them meat. It takes too much resource and you can’t distribute it efficiently before it goes off in hot countries. If we’re going to play the Band Aid card then let’s talk straight – if everyone wants to keep breeding and eating they’ll have to eat more vegetables. In China the level of population was only just sustained by a largely vegetable diet and several huge famines and die-offs proved even that didn’t always work. That’s changing now that money is flowing around and people want to ape the West and eat meat. But again, even this market perspective is skewed. If meat is rare and there isn’t enough of it to keep the new Chinese bourgeoisie in sirloin then the price should go up. Not down.

The market wants lots of food and it wants it cheap.

That isn’t how markets work. Things are cheap when there are lots of them and the individual units aren’t scarce enough to command a higher price. It’s nylon socks versus cashmere socks, three pairs for £5 against one pair for £20. That’s an efficient market – scarcity has a value. It might not be pleasant if you want meat and can’t pay for it but that’s the first unwritten law of the market – the market doesn’t care. It certainly doesn’t have a conscience, or any regard for what people want.  Not unless they can pay for it This isn’t me being unpleasant, but it wasn’t me who started talking about “the market.” Let’s stick with it though, while we’re on the subject.

Wanting lots, cheap, might be the way supermarkets work, so they can sell it at a profit and get the producer to pay the real bill, but that isn’t a definition of an efficient market. Lots of something, price goes down, less of something, price goes up. Those have always been the basic rules of markets, providing people actually want what there isn’t much of.

If the government cut the subsidies farmers would all have to be factory producers. Especially the smaller ones.

Except the facts argue the exact opposite. The biggest factory farmers benefit the most from subsidies, not the small farmers. A 2002 US research study showed that in fact, government subsidies benefit the biggest the most, quite apart  from the fact that they already enjoy economies of scale. In 2002 75% of US farm subsidy was going to the top 10% of farmers.

The Atlantic magazine carried an article in 2003, just one among many I could have cited, setting-out how subsidies generally mess-up the foods we eat. Corn-fed cattle get more subsidy than grass fed cattle. Their meat has more fat. And they need more antibiotics, to cope with the stress of force-feeding and because as ruminants they become susceptible to E.coli infections.

Subsidies have directly lead to food being produced that no-one wants so that farmers get paid. Nice if you’re a farmer able to work the subsidy game, but it’s not a sustainable system.

Subsidy farming might be useful – for a lot of farmers it might even be economically essentail – but there’s a huge suspicion that the thing keeping a lot of farmers down is the entire subsidised Big-Farming culture that has lead to ludicrously low farm-gate prices in the first place.

For a huge number of reasons – wars, scarcity, U-boat blockades, the desire to genuinely make things better and a determination not to be caught short of food again – we’ve built an economic system of farming that pays some people to do nothing at all while others shoot themsleves in the barn because they can’t pay the feed bill. And those people are hardly ever the big factory farmers.

If factory farms actually produced food that tasted good, that wasn’t already full of anti-biotics,that had any texture, there might, just might be an argument for it. If factory farm animals could be shown not to be suffering, if it was truly OK to feed ruminants on oil-based feed or other ruminants, again, there might be a case for saying it was acceptable.

But this isn’t what we’re talking about. It’s about everyone’s money being used to making food as cheap as possible, without much taste or texture, at no-one knows what cost to the animals themselves, whether anyone wants to buy it or not and at the same time pretending that’s “the market.” It may be a market, but it’s a completely artificial ultimately and nonsensically expensive and unsustainable one. Subsidy-farming is the opposite of a free and open market.

Above all, that’s my money, being spent on food I don’t want and I’m not going to eat. If we have to have subsidies, let’s subsidise small, quality producers, the people who want to grow good food who need a hand. If we have to grow food to feed the world, let’s do that and start planting soya and beans to eat, not try to feed the world on burgers. At the moment it looks as if the people who all this is supposed to help, the poorest, and the smallest producers are the people who aren’t being helped at all, so far as I can see.

Let’s start the discussion by using the right terminology, at least. Some honest fact-facing might be good, too.

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